The Verdict

I'm opening up my blog so that anyone can comment on it again. Jackie, have fun with your anonymous notes again! lol.

I leave in a few hours...

Bah on O'hare being so damn far away!! Anywho, so I was reading some speculation about the new HP title and now that I think about it's implications, etc. I think it might not be so bad afterall. Yup, so I just read my new scene for scene study class and it's AMAZING!!! lol. I'm playing a crazy! lol. Back to what I'm good at! Yeah, I think Kurt is getting better at picking scenes for me. Speaking of Kurt, I went to work with him one on one this week and boy was that an experience. I've never worked on minutia like that before. Immediate Need: something small, about the size of a golf ball with a goofy face... some sort of toy, etc. I probably should just make it. Oh, and I'm sorry about the confusion about leaving notes on my blog lately. Blogger has finally gone google, so you'll need a google account to leave notes now I think. Anywho, Happy Christmas everyone!! :p

I'm a LAZY bum

I've gotten like nothing done during my first week of break. This week I'm taking the GRE!! wahoo!!! Yeah, and stuff. So michael was playing this really angry song which he called a "love" song and somehow this led to the challenge of making a "love" playlist. Mine is long but here goes with a blurb explaining why I picked each song:

"The Cuddles Mary Gave" from A Man of No Importance

• It's the small stuff we remember about the people we love.
  

"As Lovers Go" from Dashboard Confessional's A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar

• Because you're always afraid to jump.
  

"Bella Notte" from The Lady and The Tramp

• Because there's always music playing in the background when you're in love.
  

"Love Doesn't Kill You" from Fastball's Harsh Light of Day

• "Love doesn't kill you; it's supposed to make you feel better." I really want to believe this.
  

"Banana Pancakes" from Jack Johnson's In Between Dream

• Because sometimes the sweetest thing you can do for people you love is help them forget the world and relax.
  

"You Don't See Me" from the Josie and Pussycat's Movie

• I sang this song a lot when Josh and I broke up.
  

"La La Means I Love You" by the Delefonics

• No brainer. I love this song.
  

"My Lover's Gone" from Dido's No Angel

• For the emptiness that remains when love is lost.
  

"All I Ask of You" from The Phantom of the Opera

• Classic lover's duet. I love it.
  

"A Postcard to Henry Purcell" from the Pride and Prejudice Soundtrack

• I love the tension in this song, but maybe I'm just remembering how this song worked in the movie.
  

"I'll Cover You (reprise)" from Rent

• For mourning and celebrating the passing of those we love.
  

"One for My Baby" sung by Frank Sinatra

• For every person who's tried/wanted to use substances to forget love.
  

"Shimmer" from Fuel's Sunburn

• For love that fades. For love that's out of our reach.
  

"The Man I Love" sung by Ella Fitzgerald

• For the dream of love. For those who are still waiting for love to find them.
  

"The Next Ten Minutes" from The Last Five Years

• For falling in love.
  

"Nobody Needs to Know" from The Last Five Years

• "Because I need to be in love with someone"
  

"Break Me" from Jewel's This Way

• For trust.
  

"Why" from Tick, Tick Boom

• For memories of love. For childhood love. For the love that drives us to do something great.
  

"Dido's Lament" by Henry Purcell

• "Remember Me." Saying goodbye to love sucks.
  

"You" by Amy Lee (unreleased)

• For The confession of love. For the fear and the joy.
  

"Cry Me a River" sung by Ella Fitzgerald

• For everyone who's ever been hurt by love.
  

"I Hate Everything About You" by Three Day's Grace

• I think the title says it.
  

The Paper Moves

It's a quarter till 5am and my paper is almost done. I think I just figured out what direction I want to take the final installment of this beast! So, I'm in Crerar, cuz that's where they've moved the all night study space and it's weird. There are tons of people here but they're all Stuying! lol. I'm by the computers so I get a bit of typing noise, etc. Yeah, I've definetly been getting more work done here. It's my first time going to the library to write a paper, but the last two I did were torture cuz my bed was soooo close. Even though I wasn't that tired. But tomorrow I will done, for an entire month!! No papers!! Just lots and lots of theatre!! Mwahahahahaha! :p I should look up on metromix what there is to do in chicago over christmas!!

I'm a dork

My Anc. Med. World professor just took the time to tell me I did a great job in Phaedra, which he couldn't tell me earlier because I haven't been to class in quite a while. Bah! Oh well. Papers are getting done.

Bah! I just did it!

Juilliard App. submitted. I'm worried though. Cuz I was reading some of the fine print in the "instructions" i just now was finally able to read. Audition slot's "limited" and some such... and granted on a first come first served basis. Now I'm worried about just getting and audition slot since I'm applying so close to the deadline. Well, lets hope for the best. Vale.

I should be sleeping

Instead, i've been working on my Juilliard App. I finally figured out how to view the instructions lol. WHich is why I never saw the deadline was DECEMBER 1!!! lol. They were .asp files which are kinda like .pdf files. So, I had to update my adobe acrobat, and badabing badaboom, it worked! Looks like I have to send them my resume and headshot seperately and they are not due till feb. 15th. Cool beans. All i need now is to find out the name of my dad's employer and have someone look over my app. and make sure there isn't something incredibly stupid. Any volunteers? lol. Bed time!

Final Statement (hopefully)

I didn’t want to become an actress. In fact, I’ve spent the past five years talking myself out of it. But, despite myself, here I am, applying to Julliard because I can’t keep myself out of a theatre. This all seems odd though, because for most of my life, my primary goal was to become an Egyptologist. Egypt had been my passion since before I could read, and I worked my ass off in the International Baccalaureate (IB) program at my high school in hopes of getting into the university with the best Egyptology department in the country. An IB student’s life is intense; I woke up most days around three in the morning in order to finish my homework. However, I didn’t hate the time commitment—I loved it! If I could have had my way, I’d have studied every moment of the day, which would have easily driven me insane. So, I found something to do that I enjoyed and that kept me from studying constantly—Theatre.

Theatre was like taking the analytical ideas from my literature classes to the next level; you needed to know the symbols, archetypes, themes, and so on, but then you had to make them apparent and truly meaningful to an audience. On stage, I found a way to release something inside of myself that I had never before encountered. Through my art, I felt a connection to the persons in the audience: I was able to use my intellect in a way that could be shared directly with them.

But I was the smart kid who was going to pursue a life in academia. How could I ignore my intellectual potential? How could I turn down an opportunity to attend one of the most rigorous academic programs for undergraduates in the entire country?! I couldn’t. I went to the University of Chicago where I excelled in my classes. Yet, by the beginning of second year, I found myself spending all my time in play rehearsals and none of my time doing my Middle Egyptian Hieroglyphics homework.

It was then that I finally realized how much I love acting, and more importantly, how much I love connecting to people through performance. I remember my priest quoting Mother Teresa once, saying that, “In the West there is loneliness, which I call the leprosy of the West. In many ways it is worse than our poor in Calcutta.” Being an Egyptologist wouldn’t help anyone but myself, but as an actress, I could counteract this sort of sickness. Theatre helps remind audience members that they are connected to each other, to the actors, and to the playwright through their shared experiences. One can explore the history of ideas through the words of playwrights in an intensely intriguing and personal way. This is what I want my art to accomplish. I want to touch people, change people, and interact with people honestly. So here I am, soon to graduate from the U of C, ready to do something that’s important, something that I love.

I can’t sleep. I need a plan?! Everytime I make one I fail. I need to get real and get focused. I know I want this more than anything, but I’m not going all the way. I’m sabotaging myself. I know in my heart this is right. I was made for this goddamn it! Everytime I’m in a theatre I get tingles. I’ll read a play sometimes and I can’t wait to perform it. I love this and I want this. I just need to do it! No plan. Just do it. You know what to do. Bed time.

wow

I went to this lecture done by anne bogart and it was amazing, inspiring, just plain wow. That's all i can say. I couldn't help but take lots of notes. ANd she had an almost identical mother teresa quote that i put in my juilliard statement?! Yeah, I need to revise that statement now. And she talked aboutthis training program at harvard that looks amazing. They require a residency in freakin' Russia!! So now i have another school. I need to narrow! Bah humbug.

Post 400

Phaedra is OVER@!!! Yay! lol. Now time to write many papers! And rehearse for my UT day stuff! Yup, been busy. Flower exploding=important for good performances. I'm sore from doing push-ups because I was 15 minutes late getting to the theatre for our last performance. I over did it with 20 push ups... dumb idea. Oh well. Yeah, I'm going to this ann bogart theatre talk thing tonight. I really don't have anything really interesting to talk about... Oh, I might be an intellectual history major! And, I sent off my first app. for drama schools! Oh crap. I need to sign up for the GRE. Darn it all. Well, Vale!

Now i'm just under the word limit! Thank you Michael!

I didn’t want to become an actress. In fact, I’ve spent the past five years talking myself out of it. But, despite myself, here I am, applying to Julliard because I can’t keep myself out of a theatre. This all seems odd though, because for most of my life my primary goal was to become an Egyptologist. Egypt had been my passion since before I could read, and I worked my ass off in the International Baccalaureate (IB) program at my high school in hopes of getting into the university with the best Egyptology department in the country. An IB student’s life is intense, waking up most days around three in the morning in order to finish my homework. But I didn’t hate the time commitment—I loved it! If I could have had my way, I’d have studied every moment of the day, but that would have easily driven me insane. Instead, I found something to do that I enjoyed and that kept me from studying constantly—Theatre.

Theatre was like taking the analytical ideas from my literature classes to the next level; you needed to know the symbols, archetypes, themes, and so on, but then you had to make them apparent and truly meaningful to an audience. On stage I found a way to release something inside of myself that I had never before encountered. Through my art, I felt a connection to the persons in the audience: I was able to use my intellect in a way that could be shared directly with them.

But I was the smart kid who was going to pursue a life in academia. How could I ignore my intellectual potential? How could I turn down an opportunity to attend one of the most rigorous academic programs for undergraduates in the entire country?! I couldn’t. I went to the University of Chicago where I excelled in my classes. Yet, by the beginning of second year, I found myself spending all my time in play rehearsals and none of my time doing my Middle Egyptian Hieroglyphics homework.

It was then that I finally realized how much I love acting, and, more importantly, how much I love connecting to people through performance. That’s what makes doing theatre genuinely worthwhile. I remember my priest quoting Mother Teresa once, saying that, “In the West there is loneliness, which I call the leprosy of the West. In many ways it is worse than our poor in Calcutta.” Being an Egyptologist wouldn’t help anyone but myself, but as an actress I could counteract this sort of sickness; theatre helps remind audience members that they are connected to each other, and to the actors, through their shared experiences. This is what I want my art to accomplish. I want to touch people, change people, and interact with people honestly. So here I am, soon to graduate from the U of C, ready to do something that’s important, something that I love.

Word Count: 490!!

Personal Statement to Juilliard (any thoughts?)

Please write a personal statement of approximately 500 words about why you have chosen to become an actor and your personal artistic goals. We encourage you to write frankly and openly about: your life, your connection to your art, how you see your art connecting to the world. Share your passion about people, politics, other art forms, or about anything that speaks to you.

I didn’t want to become an actress. In fact, I’ve spent the past five years talking myself out of it. But, despite myself, here I am, applying to Juilliard, because I can’t keep myself out of a theatre. This all seems odd though, because for most of my life, my primary goal was to become an Egyptologist. Egypt had been my passion since before I could read, and I worked my ass off in high school in the International Baccalaureate (IB) program so that I could pursue a career in Egyptology at the university with the best department in the country. Life for a student in IB is intense; I woke up most days around three in the morning in order to finish my homework. But I didn’t hate the time commitment—I loved it! If I could have had my way, I’d have studied every moment of the day, but that would have easily driven me insane. Instead, like most IB students, I found something to do that I enjoyed and that kept me from studying constantly—Theatre.

Theatre was like taking the analytical ideas I was learning in my literature classes to the next level; you needed to know the symbols, archetypes, themes, and so on, but then you had to make them apparent and truly meaningful to an audience. On stage I found a way to release something inside of myself that I didn’t even know was there. I felt a connection to the people in the audience through my work on stage, and I was able to use my intellect in such a way that I could share it directly with others.

But I was the smart kid who was going to college to pursue a life in academia. How could I not fully realize my intellectual potential? How could I turn down an opportunity to attend one of the most rigorous academic programs for undergraduates in the entire country?! Well, I couldn’t. I went to the University of Chicago, and I excelled in most of my classes. But, by the beginning of second year, I found myself spending all my time in play rehearsals and none of my time doing my Middle Egyptian Hieroglyphics homework.

It was then that I finally realized how much I love acting, but, more importantly, how much I love connecting to people through performance. I think that’s what makes doing theatre genuinely worthwhile. On the other hand, the longer I pursued Egyptology the less appealing it became: being an Egyptologist wouldn’t help anyone but myself. I remember my priest quoting Mother Teresa once, saying that, “In the West there is loneliness, which I call the leprosy of the West. In many ways it is worse than our poor in Calcutta.” I think that theatre helps counteract this sort of sickness; it helps remind the audience members that they are connected to each other, and to the actors, through their shared experiences. This is what I want my art to accomplish. I want to touch people, change people, and interact with people honestly. So, here I am, soon to graduate from the U of C, ready to start over and do something that’s important, something that I love.

Sleep!

My goodness! How I miss sleep! 2 papers are done! And my phil. of hist. prof. was very understanding when i turned it in late (he hasn't given us back our first two papers yet ;). Anywho, I met with Kurt last night. Gave him the recommendation stuff. We both agreed that I'm not going far enough and I can't seem to figure out what the problem is. My theory? I'm doing to much and I can't focus on anything. But that's life. I just need to work harder. ANywho, back to work!

Don't talk to me!

Because I should be memorizing my lines (for Phaedra and acting class) and writing my two papers that are due monday! :(

Bah!

More original thought?? When the question is stupid as what were the differences between Archaic sparta and the polis of homer and hesiod.?! Bah. I couldn't think of anything to say that we didn't say in discussion... Well, we're going to kick this next paper's ass! I got an A- on the midterm though, which is nice. Two grades together make a B+? lol. Yeah. Bah on stupid core classes!

Oh my freakin' gosh!

I'm so stupid! I'm like the stupidest person I know! I didn't see it! I thought I wasn't one of those girls, but I guess I was. New system, more research, new standards, new rules!! I'm going to stay in Chicago over Christmas. I've just got WAAAY too much to do. I'm not sure where I'm going to stay but I'll figure something out. I've just got to much work to do. I have to take the GRE :( and I'm getting my head shots done this Friday. Oh, and I have to write a paper for friday and two for monday and I've got a crap load of lines to memorize before rehearsal tonight. Bah on being busy. And I must do pilates tonight to make up for all the freakin' candy I ate yesterday ;) I'm in a good mood today. Vale!

4th Time's the Charm!

I did it! I'm officially registered to vote!! I have a card and everything!! Wahoo!

I'm sorry. No more anonymous notes.

Me singing at work

Update to First Song

No one's here. I sit alone,
At the dawn of a new journey.
Dancing around a truth
That I don't wanna see.
You don't love me.
You don't even desire me.

I was so scared to let you in—
Terrified you might penetrate my walls
Later, I feared the empty space
That’d remain if you left...
when you left.

We never were quite right,
"Us" was always draining,
And now we're both tired of pretending.

I thought I was ready to jump!
But I had to meet a boy,
A man more lost than me.

The world spins around us...
kites fly, shoes fly, dreams fly
and finally you fly...away,
far away from me.

And now I miss the closeness.
I miss your bright green eyes.
I wish we could have made us work.
I wish you, had told me, goodbye.

It has a tune now. It's a sad song, but I like it, and it feels good to sing it.

Why is it...

that I only listen to soft sad songs in the middle of the night after I've had a really great day? It's almost as if I can't let myself just enjoy something... No that's not it. I think I just get comfortable from having a nice time that things softly come out. And tonight I keep remembering happy times that I miss. People that I miss a lot. That sort of thing. Life has been beyond crazy lately. So much to do... I've been writing to-do lists. here's my current one:

~get readings for phil. of history
~get funny greek words for pronunciation (bring recorder)
~read La Bête
~Get list of plays to look at for Rachael
~Write paper for P.H.
~Make Proposal for monologue show

So much to do

Yeah, acting class today was crazy! I'm doing this scene that you just can't tell if you're doing well or not. Bah! I just don't know if I'm doing ok or not. Everyone else's scene was amazing! So I just felt kinda inferior. Whatever. Anywho, paper to write tomorrow. So I should go to sleep so I can get an early start at it. I have no idea what the hell I'm going to write. Yup, fun stuff. There was this one part of my scene that was just so hard. She looked at me with these puppy dog eyes, and I don't know why but it reminded me of my sister and I just couldn't handle it. Kurt called me on it and told me I had to go there and made me do the section again. And I did. And it hurt. I hope it was worth it. Vale.

Here's the song version

I want to squash this dream of us:
Only A few years from now
When you finally get your shit together,
We find each other once again…

Stop… I should stop.
This waking dream keeps me from sleeping.
It knows my flaws, my fears, my yearnings,
And how to taunt me with such visions
That I just can’t stop reviewing.

I don’t want you anymore!
I see something else I want…
Yes there is Someone else I want,
A real human who can be here.

But the delusion holds me back;
It prevents me from breathing, and from leaving;
The longing holds me captive.
And I can’t find it, I can’t destroy it…

Just let go, that’s all that’s left…
Forget the hopes, the dreams, the sighs…
Just move and make something better.
Let go. Yes, now it’s time.

I'm pretty sure the second verse is the chorus.

I can't sleep.

I asked Josh to not talk to me for a "while" tonight. I've wanted to do it for a while... It just hurts to talk to him and I don't know why. I know it's over. He know's it's over. I've accepted it. But i still care about him and miss being with him. I think talking to him just sort of emphasizes that I can't do that anymore and it hurts. I've been listening to this song of Amy Lee's on repeat since i downloaded it earlier. It's so beautiful, and there are hopes, dreams, amazement... So, I wrote her that letter. I don't think she's going to get it, but you never know. But asking Josh to not talk to me was something I had to do for myself. You have to be able to be your own best friend sometimes and look out for yourself. If it hurts, then make it stop. I hope Josh and I can be friends some day. But it's going to take a long time for me I think. Enough of that. Let me tell you about my day!

Lets see... I went to a meeting with Nancy this morning to talk about customer service and bookstacks. It was fun... Then I did some shifting. Then I went to the housing office to get put in the general lottery. Afterwards, I went to the fin. aid office only to find out they still haven't fixed my fin. aid. Bah! But, I'm applying for my loan, cuz I don't want to wait anymore. Then i got lunch and went downtown to rehearse for scene study class. It wasn't a very constructive rehearsal though... Then I met Michael for dinner. I really love talking to him. He's an amazing listener (I could probably learn a thing or two from him). Then we went and got tea because i can't go downtown without going to Argo Tea. Then I found out Michael had never been to Ghiradelli's even though he lives downtown!! So we went and got our free sample chocolate and I bought some hot chocolate. We stopped in Borders so I could go to the bathroom, and of course I ended up leaving with a book! It's Racine's version of Phaedra in french. Should be a fun read! Then we went to the Hershey's store and then Michael walked me to the bus stop so I could get home and do some hw. Instead, I come home and print out my reading and start downloading music and fall in love with this song (which i am still listening to). Then I talked to Josh for a while and we all know how that ended. I don't want to do reading, and I don't want to sleep. I don't know what I want sometimes.

A Letter

Dear Amy Lee,

I listened to a song of yours tonight that meant a lot to me. I sort of came across is when I was downloading some stuff (I’m sorry, I’m a poor, in debt college student, and I know that's not excuse... So please forgive me.) But I'd like to tell you what this song meant to me. I'm really smart; I go to one of the most rigorous universities in the country. I'm here because I felt obligated to pursue an academic career because otherwise I'd be wasting this gift and opportunity I've been given. But I've been talking myself out of doing what I really love for most of my life because I thought it was impractical. Smart girls don't pursue theatre! They know it's hard, and know that they would have so many other, very worth while, oppertunities that they could pursue with and undergraduate or higher degree. But I want to create art that touches people, even if that means making myself vulnerable and sharing the most wonderful, painful, and scary moments of my life. And your song seemed to encapsulate all the qualities that I hope my own art will one day exude. This song was so honest, clumsily honest at times... It was beautiful and you made yourself so vulnerable. When I went to look up the lyrics to the song I found reports that stated you didn't want people listening to/reading the lyrics of this song, and if that's true I'm very sorry. But your song "You" really inspired and changed my life tonight, and for that I would most sincerely like to thank you.

~Janice

BTW

Life has been soooooo very crazy of late! I'm actually using my planner, every day! It's insane! But good! I wrote 2 papers on monday while crazy sick and i don't think they totally sucked... Anywho, scene study class is going well. Ramsay and I seem to be on the right tract with our scene I just need to vary my actions more. The problem is I get so into it that I forget to do stuff... I need to slow down. My first real rehearsal for Phaedra is tonight and I'm totally not ready! I haven't done any of my prep. I really need to finish reading the play. I find the monologues to be a bit long though so I sorta skimmed it and missed ALL the important stuff. So this time, real reading. Oh, and today I was a total idiot. I left my keys in Stony, therefore, I had to miss my Arab/Isreali class so I could go home and work that out. But I'm here now and life is good! So much work to do! Oh and I'm meeting with Evelyn this friday to talk about my proposal for next quarter. I'm rethinking it now. i think i want music for the transitions, just to bring me from one place to another. So maybe I need to find a collaborator for this project. I'll just have to sniff around. Stage manager/muse/music person! That's what I need. Cuz I don't want a director. I just need someone to yell at me when I'm not bringing it! Yup! Anywho, it should be good. I definetly want to do a preview on UT day! Me and a cube. THat's what it's going to be! Well, got to get to work! Vale!

The coolest thing a prof. ever said to me!

Dear Ms Rumschlag,

Just a note to say I thought you did a very good job yesterday in your presentation. You challenged Collingwood's objection with just the right stuff.

Bob Richards

Holy shit!!! I'm going to be Phaedra, in Seneca's Phaedra!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

I can't concentrate on my reading... I have so much to do and I just can't concentrate. My off-off audition was awful. My partner was amazing and I just didn't know how to respond to that. I mean I don't know. I just didn't have any stage presence... I used to have that in spades. In fact, it's the only thing i could count on. I hate this. I hate who I am lately. I have all these doubts and just don't know what to do. I want to be in a show but i'm dying with all the work i have to do. I'm already freaking out with all the work. And I want to add to that?! There's this part of me that just wants to say "Fuck you stupid UofC! I don't even want to be here anymore. All i want to do is freaking act and I can't even do that?! What the hell?" I'm listening to the Last Five years again. I only do that when I'm freaking out. I just need to get into something so I know I'm not a total idiot for choosing this profession. I'm doing this because I love it! Because when I'm not involved in a production a part of me wants to die. And, that's how I feel right now... Like, a part of me wants to just curl up and die. I know that I'm in this scene study class etc, and that's a way bigger deal. But there's no audience. There's classmates who are judging you. there are no lights. The energy from the audience is completely different. This is what I want and I just blew it again and I don't know why... I know i shouldn't worry, I mean improv is a completely different monster. But, I wanted this. I wanted it a lot. But I need to get used to rejection. that's all i'm going to get as an actor. So, I guess that's all this is. A test to see if I can handly a lot of rejection. I just want to be in a show that rapes me sideways... something that gets under my skin and challenges me to the point I don't think I can handle it. That's what I want. And, well, I thought improv could be that kind of challenge. Oh well. Keep moving. I just need a little momentum.

It's been a really tough week! So what if I'm being a little negative??? I don't have to be happy all the time ;) Scene study class today was great!! I have to be able to taste it!!! Mwahahahaha!!! Yeah, next week I have to present my scene I've been working on AND i have to have my lines memorized by thursday!! Fun times! Anywho, I have a tone of philosophy of history reading to do! Ttyl.

So I decided not to do the rock opera. I want to get my monologue show together and that's going to take up all/most of my time. And I'm gonna audition for off off campus and occam's razor i think. Improv i think would help me get used to working on my feet. So i'm sitting around not doing work. I'm such a slacker. Oh well...

Now I really want to cry...

On or before Monday, Novermber 27th I have my final papers due for Ancient Med. World, Arab-Israeli Conflict, and Philosophy of History. That's like all my classes just about. So really, I could go home on wed. of finals week... Life sucks. I had a bad day. I'm going to be a zombie/soldier in the rock opera. Bah on life. The one thing I didn't want is precisely what I got... Oh, and i blew up at Rachael. I'm a horrible, looser person.

Oh well...

I didn't get called back for the three shows I auditioned for that are doing callbacks. I didn't really want the polish play or the rock opera. But I'm a bit disappointed about the last one, which i really liked. The other three I auditioned for don't do callbacks. So there's still hope... But I'm not counting on it. I'm kinda glad though, cuz I have so much work to do this quarter to get my own show ready. I think I might audition for off-off though just for the hell of it. ANd CES is doing a show which could be fun. ANywho, I have to go to rehearsal for my acting class. Vale!

I'm done!

I'm really glad I ended auditions on a good night. My last show was Ghostlight, which is about actors!! And I fell in love with the side! This girl was describing the moment when she discovered her life would be in theatre and why she loved acting so much. And i got to do a British accent!! Good thing Rachael and I practice them soooooooooo much ;) Anywho, I decided not to audition for the big shows cuz they're too much of a time commitment. I am going to die this quarter! As of right now I will be writing not one, but TEN papers this quarter! I only wrote 2 last quarter (granted they were research papers). But my goodness! TEN!! And I have soooooo much reading. I had my first scene study class on monday... It was so scary. I was the youngest person in the class by at least six years. And my scene was really difficult. But I was cold reading and I'm a really crummy cold reader. So now I just wait, and wait. Night!

Done!

I've unpacked all my stuff and it's only a quarter till one!! Wahoo! Granted, everything isn't quite in the right place but everything is unpacked. I had a really hard time fitting everything because this room has a real lack of storage space! No room under the bed, no book shelves, oh, and no trashcan!! Bah! Anywho, I still haven't met my roomate. She's moved in a bunch of her stuff but I haven't seen her yet. Nor, have I seen either of the girls in the other room. Oh well, no one's here to tell me not to put stuff in the kitchen, etc. I have to get a shower curtain tomorrow... along with dish soap. Oh, and I've already remembered three big things I forgot at the apt. Gonna be busy tomorrow! Night!

Bah Jackie!! Too many notes!! lol.

Yeah, so today was a nice, I didn't go to work, day. I woke up late, got lunch at potbelly's (man do I love their key line soda!!), then i spent some time watching clips on youtube of england's reality tv show "how do you solve a problem like maria?" It's a show where they're trying to cast the part of maria for a revival production in the west end. Then I spent the afternoon/evening hanging out with Michael. We explored china town and later i introduced him to Argo tea. Man do i love that place. I totally see myself staying in chicago as long as possible just so I can go to argo tea ;) It was a really nice day though and tomorrow I pack cuz we move out on friday. Oh, and I still haven't sold my bed yet! Ahhhhhhhh! Now I'm just sitting listening to a new musical called Bernarda Alba. It's based on a Lorca play I'm going to have to read now!! But really like it. It's a LaChiusa musical, and Rachael's mad in love with the dude's music. Now I think I understand why ;)

It's done!

I've really got my songs now! All acapella cuz acomaniment and auditions = death!! I don't know why I'm freaking out! I sound great! I just have to keep telling myself that and make sure i take the time to warm up everyday till tues! I'm gonna do all the singing ones first to get them out of the way me thinks?!

My pirate name is:

Bloody Jenny Cash

Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. You're musical, and you've got a certain style if not flair. You'll do just fine. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

I got it!!

The classes I wanted!!! Arab-Israeli conflict and philosophy of history!!! So life is good now!!

never, never, never

go to the Virgin store downtown when you don't want to spend money!! They were having a huge sale on DVD's. I left with I heart huckabees, rocky horror picture show, and vanity fair! Fun times. Rachael, Brian, and I went to the BBQ for all the first years today and then went and met a bunch of them at the house. Next, we ventured downtown and just sorta bopped for a while and got dinner. We saw the Devil Wears Prada which was cute. Ok, I need to go do some work! Vale!

I'm sitting here, early in the morning, listening to the same music. It's a verticle horizon soundtrack that I remember listening to once while spralled out on the bathroom floor in 8th grade. I was so lost and sad. So much of me hasn't changed, including my tastes in music and how I interact with said music. I'm gonna try and sleep now. Maybe this time I'll actually have a dream.

It's nice to be back in Chicago!

It was sooooooo cold and grey out. I got back really late last night cuz my plane was delayed from the weather. Let me just tell you, downtown Chicago at midnight with a giant suit case is kinda creepy. Anywho, I got home and Rachael and i talked till probably 5am because I couldn't sleep. Bah! I miss how dark it is in FL!! So we both blew off work at the library today and went downtown. We went to visit the "new" Macy's. It was depressing. I miss all the green that was there when it was Marshal Field's. Yeah, so we went all over. I failed in my attempts to find a new purse. Oh well... Rachael and I are now listening to an amazing musical called Bernarda Alba. Oh, and we watched Little Mermaid and drank Ghiradelli's hot chocolate. Nice girls night in. I really need to start getting my stuff together to move next week but we all know that I won't get around to it till Thurs. night ;) Oh, and my new Acting class starts on Monday. I'm beyond psyched!! I really need to start getting my crap together for auditions in a few weeks too. I'm really nervous about the rock opera audition. La la la la la... Vale!

My first song

I started writing this in the airport on my way to FL. I couldn't concentrate to read. So I just wrote.

No one's here. I sit alone,
about to begin a new journey.
Things have been wrong for so long,
But I played despite myself.
Dancing around a truth I didn't want to see.
You don't love me.
You don't even desire me.

I thought I was ready to jump!
But I got sent a boy,
A man more lost than me.
The world spins and rushes around us...
kites fly, shoes fly, dreams fly
and finally you fly...away,
far away from me.

I was so scared to let you in—
Terrified by the thought of someone penetrating me.
Afterwards, I was scared of the empty
space that would remain if you left...
when you left.
We were never quite right,
"Us" was always draining,
And now we're both tired of pretending.

But now I miss the closeness.
I miss your bright green eyes.
I wish we could have made us work.
I wish you had told me goodbye.

It's pretty simple. But I was sad. I'm not allowing comments on this entry. If you have a comment e-mail or facebook message me. Thanks!

I found it!!

The song I'm gonna use to audition for the rock opera!!! Wahooo!! One down, three to go. I think the other three I'll just use the same song for all of them. I really hope I don't get cast in something that requires singing. I need to get over this!! Bah!

Ok, I lied. There are at least 15 mosquito bites on my legs and one on each arm. BAH!!

Oh yeah, I got 11+ mosquito bites yesterday evening in the space of about 15 minutes. Alsmost all of them are on or behind my knees. Feels like home! lol.

Still in FL

It's strange how coming home has helped me remember who I am. All my old friends have been commenting about the things they remember me as. Neon Green, Bob, talking ninety miles per hour without ever taking a breath, etc. Everyone sees me as the same person I always was. Silly, constantly tripping... I still am all those things. But seeing my old friends is weird because they all have whole lives that I'm not a part of anymore. I'm just an acquantance now. It just made me feel more alone. That's what I remember when I come home. That I'm alone. When I lived here I never went anywhere. My favorite things to do where to read and walk my dogs. I spent so much time not talking... I spent so much time just feeling the world around me. I think that's why weather was so important for me when I lived here. It made the day different. Everyone is really proud of me though. My dad, Mrs. Chapman, Gina... They all have such faith in me. Mrs. Chapman had me talk to her drama 2/3/4 class while I was there. It was really weird, but a lot of fun. And now I'm up listening to sad music and can't sleep. I finished my book earlier. It was a good book. I read books differently now, because I've had been through more. Can relate to certain situations more. Damn happy endings. Good night.

listening to the last five years...again

Dude! Will I ever get tired of this musical?! I wish I was home alone and could sing it all over the house. I'm going to visit Paxon tomorrow. Gina's giving me a ride. I really want to talk to mrs. chapman. I haven't told her about the whole life plan shift. I hope she's there! I mean, I don't remember her ever not coming in when i was in her class, but with my luck she's got some rare one week virus keeping her from school for the entire time i'm here to visit! I'm kinda nervous about it actually. I'm not sure why. Why is it so hard for me to tell people I want to be an actress? It just seems so frivolous (sp??). But I love it. I love it so much. Then, after Paxon I'm gonna hang out with Aaron. I haven't seen him since junior year, and I'm excited. I remember really being able to talk with him about all sorts of things. (the schmeul song just came on!). He's thinking about going to law school. Oh and my dad has finally figured out what he wants to do with his life. But, he can't tell me what, because it won't come true (he had a dream about it you see. funny thing is, I'm exactly the same about this sort of stuff! lol). Hopefully it all works out for everyone. Please God, let me get into Julliard (or some other equally good school)!

I was riding on the train to the air port. Just listening to my shuffle. And then the song came on. The song I've been looking for the past few weeks. Everything I've been feeling was there, and it was nice to not feel so alone. When I get home I'm going to sing it to my puppies. I miss singing to them so much.

lunch break

I had to go get my computer for lunch today because this song came into my head and i had to find it! lol.

It's really over now.

I was just watching a show on the problems with India's higher education. It reminded me of Josh. "and then his eyes light up and how can I complain" as it goes in the Last Five Years. I didn't sleep much last night.

I watched...

Hotel Rawanda today with kate and brian. I couldn't watch a whole lot of it because I kept on running and hiding in Rachael's room. I can't believe they all made it out alive. Afterwards, I felt... off. It was as bad as some of my nightmares. So I blew off all my friends and went to the lake. I found a secret place in the rocks where no one could see me and I cried. As I sat there talking to God the sky cried with me for hundreds upon hundreds of people I've never met. And I just lay there for a while. I couldn't stop crying. Having the dreams made it hurt worse because this was real. These were real people. And no one helped them.

Angel DumottSchunard You scored 75% creativity, 54% monogamy, 23% conformity, and 51% optimism!

You're Angel! If your friends all seem to adore you, it's because they do. You're a fun person to be around -- creative, loyal, original, and optimistic. You're a romantic, and always have a new view on life. You like longterm relationships, and if you haven't had one or aren't in one, you may be looking for true love. However, it's not an obsession, and you don't let it get you down. You like to live life as it comes. You're probably extremely open minded, and may have a diverse variety of friends. They probably like to be around you a lot, because you don't lie to them, but you do tend to look on the bright side of every event. You probably have a lot of ideas about how things could be better in the world, and you honestly believe that you and your friends can help get them accomplished.

What rent character are you?

What on earth is this? lol.

Tekka & Kappa

55% Adventurousness, 48% Complexity, 34% Heartiness

Simple maki rolls of tuna (tekka) and cucumber (kappa). Once the staple food of the Tokyo pachinko palace set, because it could be eaten one-handed while gambling, now available everywhere from supermarkets to sushi restaurants. Not adventurous, but an old reliable favorite. Hey, not everything has to be so complicated.

Link: The "What Sushi Are You?" Test(OkCupid Free Online Dating)

Painting my toe nails makes me feel more like a girl. Now all I need to do is put on a dress ;) Phantom of the Opera makes me sad.

Green Beans! Dinner of Champions!

I did laundry!

I'm the only person I know who has a light, dark, and then a green load ;)

Post #350

I woke up and it was still dark. Not only was it dark, it was raining!! So I e-mailed work and told them i wasn't coming in (how could I turn down some rain??). I got dressed, said bye to Rachael and headed out. I don't know why people in Chicago are so afraid of a little rain. I rolled up my pants not long after I left and walked down to the Shoreland where I crossed under the high way to get to the lake. By this time it was really pouring and there was NO ONE around. I think I saw one runner and one biker while I was by the lake. I then walked north to go over the bridge to get home. My fingers got all wrinkly and the lake was oddly calm. All the lightning stayed over the lake. It was beatiful. Good for the soul beautiful. I think I must have been a plant or something because rain feels so nourishing and wonderful. I bought milk and made hot chocolate when I got home. My soaking wet clothes are hanging in the bathroom. :) Now for Harry Potter.

It's time..

to do some good things for my soul. I began today by visiting mugglenet.com for the first time in a long while and started reading HP (see earlier entry ;). I also got orange chicken for dinner. It was good! lol. Tomorrow, I will have to do something good because I'm going to be shifting all day :( Still wishing for rain! Maybe I should read the weather report... But that would ruin the surprise.

It's time..

to do some good things for my soul. I began today by visiting mugglenet.com for the first time in a long while and started reading HP (see earlier entry ;). I also got orange chicken for dinner. It was good! lol. Tomorrow, I will have to do something good because I'm going to be shifting all day :( Still wishing for rain! Maybe I should read the weather report... But that would ruin the surprise.

I got the letter today! I'm calling them tomorrow!

Dear Janice,

Kurt Naebig teaches a special scene study class at The Acting Studio Chicago and we begin our registration on an 'invite only' basis. Kurt's goal is to assemble a dynamic group of actors who have demonstrated a high level of professionalism and talent and he would like to invite you to the class.

Advanced Scene Study will begin on Monday, September 18th and will meet every Monday for eight weeks. Tuition will be ___.

Advanced Scene Study will be limited to 14 students so if you'd like to join the class, please give us a call at the studio as soon as possible.

Orpheus
33% Extroversion, 93% Intuition, 100% Emotiveness, 59% Perceptiveness


You are an artist, an aesthete, a sensitive, and someone who has never really let go of that childlike innocence. To you, all of life has a sense of wonder in it, and the story of Orpheus was written about someone just like you.

When the Argo passed the island of the Sirens, Orpheus played a song more beautiful than the Sirens to prevent the crew from becoming enticed. When his wife died, he ventured into the underworld to charm Hades but, in his naivete, he looked back becoming trapped there.

You can capture your unique world view and relate it to others with the skill of a master storyteller. Your sensitivity and creativity make you a treasure to the human race, but your thin-skinned nature and innocence can cause you a lot of disenchantment and pain. What's doubly unfortunate is that, if you try to lose those traits, you never will, and everyone will be able to tell that you're putting up an artificial shell to prevent yourself from being hurt.

Famous people like you: Hemingway, Shakespeare, Mr. Rogers, Melville, Nick Tosches
Stay clear of: Icarus, Hermes, Atlas

Link: The Greek Mythology Personality Test written by Aleph_Nine on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Why did it take me so long to figure out this is what i needed?

The answer: Harry Potter. Unfortunetly, the reg's copy of book one is missing. So i'm reading my favorite, book three.

This song just came on the radio

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldnt even sleep
So many secrets I couldnt keep
I promised myself I wouldnt weep
One more promise I couldnt keep

It seems no one can help me now,
Im in too deep; theres no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow Im neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Lifes mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried,
Day and night, earth and sky,
Somehow I just dont believe it

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow Im neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
Its just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow Im neither here nor there

Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same

I haven't been eating right...

The smell of any kind of cooked food has been doing a number on me these past few days. I was really sad yesterday morning. It was hard to concentrate and practice my monologues. Then I had my meeting with my acting teacher at eleven and we talked for a while. He said he thinks i'm in the right profession, I just need to figure out how to get myself to bring it, on command. Expand my bubble so to speak. But he wants me to take his master's scene study class! I can't believe it. Becuase I was going to ask him if he'd let me in his level two begining class! Instead, he offered me a spot in a master's class! Yesterday reminded me why I do theatre. I don't do it just to move people, force them to see some sort of truth, I also do it because it really lets me get things out in a positive way. I had a hard time doing the lovey dovey part of my Viola monologue (12th night). It was just really hard.

Why what would I?
Make me a willow cabin at your gate
And call upon my soul within the house.
Write loyal cantons of condemned love
And sing them loud even in the dead of night.
Hallow your name to the reverberate hills
And make the babbling gossip of the air
Cry out, "Olivia"

It just came out sorta angry in class. So I came home and rachael and brian and I went out to dinner to celebrate me getting into this advanced class. We went to Uno and got some really great pizza. I was starving because I hadn't really eaten anything in 2 days, so of course I over did it. And today the sight of food disgusts me again. Bah. Whatever.

I was online last night talking to a bunch of friends in GA. It was especially hard talking to Bridgette because she understood why i feel lost. so many parts of myself that aren't there anymore. I find myself praying a lot lately. I miss being able to pray with other people. I finished my cart 45minutes early and I was going sooooooo slow. At least I'm not stuck in the basement doing check in. My shuffle keeps playing all my favorite sad songs. I swear this thing is psychic. :p

I've been singing this song for the past few months. I knew this was coming. And I knew I wasn't happy about it.

Ninety Miles outside Chicago
Can't stop driving
I don't know why
So many questions
Need an answer
Two years later
You're still on my mind

Whatever happen to Amelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain...
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue...
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you...

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
Or what the wind says when she cries?
I'm speeding by the place that I met you
For the 97th time...tonight

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain...
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue...
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you...
(yeah yeah yeah yeah)

Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah...
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon...
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you...

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow,
And watched the stars crash in the sea,
If I could ask God just one question...
Why aren't you here with me?...tonight

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain...
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue...
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you...
(yeah yeah yeah yeah)

Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah...
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon...
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you...

This day never seems to end

I spent most of the morning crying. I shouldn't be writing about this here. Out of respect for the wonderful time we had together. But i hurt so much. I care about him so much. Josh broke up with me this morning. And unless you're him, don't ask me about it. I do hope he finds someone who will make him happy. Someone who will let him have fun and be himself. I've stopped crying though. I'm gonna be ok. Sometimes things just don't work out. They're not right and it's no one's fault. It's not my fault. There's nothing more I could have done. Right? I learned a lot about myself from Josh. I learned a lot about what I need by being with him. It's just hard. I was talking to kate, just yesterday, about what I was planning on giving him for his birthday next month. I had a great plan. But now it would just be weird i guess. He doesn't love me. It's as simple as that. Even though I really was falling in love with him. But real love is mutual. No matter how much i tried I couldn't make him love me like that. There's nothing I could have done. I can be strong. I've always had to be the strong one. And I'll be strong now. I can be happy on my own. I have been for most of my life. Hakuna-matata. I really do wish he'd told me in person.

Yay! It's Friday!

It's really sad that I rarely write anything on this blog that even closely resembles what's really on my mind. Lots of things have been spinning in my head this week. Lots of worry about what spinning in a few other people's heads. Anywho, this song came on today while I was putting away macro-shift books and it's just so pretty. Enjoy!

You must remember this
A kiss is still a kiss
A sigh is still (just) a sigh
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by

And when two lovers woo
They still say: "i love you"
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by

Moonlight and love songs - never out of date
Hearts full of passion - jealousy and hate
Woman needs man - and man must have his mate
That no one can deny

It’s still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by

blah blah blah blah blah

I didn't go to work today because I had such a bad stomach ache this morning... It went away about midday but I was still sort of physically tired. You know, every one of my limbs just wanted to lie down. I did manage to go to the financial aid office. Lets just say it was an educational experience! lol. My stomach ache came back this evening though and all I wanted to do was watch pride and prejudice, only to find that mine was scratched somehow and will no longer play! lkasjdfl;akjsdflaksdjf. So an hour later when Kate got home I got her to accompany me on a trip to hollywood video to rent the movie i wanted to watch! lol. I'm such a boring person. All I really want to do is run out and dance in a thunderstorm. A real thunderstorm. Please god, let it rain A LOT while I'm home. I'll just have to try my hardest not to drag the dogs with me on one of my excursions into the inclement weather. Yes, but I think i'm in a rut. I want to run in a field. Why the hell do i feel so darn tired ? I hate being sick. I really hate being sick when no one is home. I want some of my dad's soup. I wish I knew how to make soup. The real kind with lots of vegitable and NO LENTILS. vale.

I'm reading dune. It's weird. Monday will mark a day, and I don't know how i feel about this. Time seems to go by so very fast...

: (

I want someone who will tell me when i'm being a pain in the ass! Why am i watching this movie again?

Thank you Jackie!

Meeting today!! One hour of listening to nancy and free food! And no books! I've been pretty grumpy lately cuz i've been working 9 hour days at the library to make up for some hours i missed last week. I fell asleep last night around 8ish and slept until 7am. It was great! My acting class is going well (in response to Jackie's question in the awesome e-mail she sent me). I'm a shakespeare goddess come to find out! Only three weeks left though which makes me sad... Anywho, got to get back to work! Vale!

Ewww!

I have a huge blister. It looks gross today. Maybe I should get a bandaid... I HATE THE LIBRARY!! If you're reading this, send me an e-mail or write a note. I need something to distract me at work. How many more days until Sept. 1st??? I'm so tired.

La dee Da!

It's sooooooooo hot out again. I'm doing the pick-up and the air isn't on in the stacks. Blah! It was so nice to see Josh last night. He liked his suprise at least the first part (lemon pepper from the spice store and a manly measuring cup with no handle). lol. I think I'm going to go to the gym after work today because I never want to work out at home when it's so hot out. Ttyl.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It's soooooooooooo darn hot outside!! And it's soooooooooooo darn hot in the stacks where I've been shifting all afternoon with rachael. I think this heat is making me very irritable. I got some books on world religions today. Oh, I also got gone with the wind since I've never managed to get around to see the movie. The book's probably better anyway. Anywho, I'm tired. Ran hard today during my lunch break. I hate coming back from the gym because people always look at me with concern because they all think I'm dying. I just turn abnormally red people!! What the hell?! Stop looking at me like that! Blah! SOrry, I'm irritable. That's my excuse! Damn heat! I didn't sleep very well last night because of it. Whatever, almost time to go home! Vale!

It is begun

Signed Air Force papers today. Now they have to be sent off and some people decide how they want me to pay them back.

this one is good too!

BELLOWING AT THE BASE
Jackson Junge

La dee da!

Yup, I keep eating these mango altoids. Rachael and i went and got chinese food for dinner and it was SOOOOO much food!!! There was like an entire chicken in the thing and only a little thing of rice! So I'm gonna be eatin' chinese food for a while. I got General Tao's Chicken BTW! Rachael and I did our special third floor project today. We found all the crowded areas and stuff for grace. Now rachael is being really silly; she just swollowed a mango altoid par accident! So the paintings below were done by Jackson Junge; I saw his art on display at an art festival downtown this past weekend. Check out his stuff @: http://www.toulooz.com/index.php.

I've eaten almost a whole thing of these today...

Wow

PRE•PRAYER
By Jackson Junge

Amazing

WINTER WONDER*FUL OF QUIET
By Jackson Junge

dude

i'm at work doing nothing

4th of Julyy

We went and saw fireworks @ navy pier which was cool but they were pretty small. Yup, so after we decided to go to ghiradellis to get ice cream; so we were going really fast to get there before they closed!!! But we lost Rachael!! And I was screaming "Rachael Medina!! Five Minutes!!" (I'd recenly been yelling 5 minutes like the boat guy who was saying five minutes till the next boat.) (Oh and the dork didn't have her cell phone!! And people kept looking at me crazy like I was being loud!!! Well we were outside!! And we had to find her!!!) Anywho, we find her and we get to the ice cream shop literally just as they close!!! So we went to walgreens and got ice cream instead (waaaaay cheeper!) and walked down a block just across the street from the disney store and layed out our blanket and ate the ice cream! All of a sudden i started singing "you may be right! I may be crazy! But i just may be the lunatic you're looking for!!" And of course I had to call josh and sing it to his phone. Unfortunetly, I wasn't really sure about the melody of the song exactly. Granted this song was nothing to the Ode i wrote early to the forlorn buses but it was still fun! Then we came home. Lots of fun was had by all and the peasants cheered!! Josh comes home soon!! J'espere!! Haven't heard a word from him since he left for Alaska...

They're back

I was just looking at a bunch of cadet's pictures from field training. The first group just got back. It's such a let down not to get to go to something you've been preparing for, for the past two years. Wow.. two years. Time sure does seem to be flying lately. Library isn't killing me today! I have been doing a sweep of the 3rd floor (this is after I did a sweep of the 4th this morning!). Anywho, back to work.

The Pie!

Yesterday

So my mom let is slip to my sister, who in turn let it slip to my dad, that I will not be continuing in the Air Force. Well, my dad calls me yesterday to tell me that I forgot his birthday and that he was soooooooooo disappointed in me! Blah!! I understand I took an oath, I understand the type of commitment that I made, but even the air force understands that college kids' life plans tend to change! I would most certainly love to honor my commitment to the AF but if I don't do this I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. I need to be doing something creative! And if I could make it work I would, but I can't. I then proceeded to call my mother and yell at her for telling my sister and she was surprisingly understanding. It was most certainly the best conversation I've ever had with my mom. She gets it. And she's not disappointed, she's proud that I finally had the courage to go after what I want. I don't know what I'm going to do about my dad. I think I'll write him a letter or something.

Feelin' Better

Yup, so I'm feeling much better today. That book always makes me soooooooo sad. So last night I watched a nice girly movie with rachael and got mint chocolate chip frozen yogurt! And then Josh came over!! Nice surprise! He's so lucky I have Rachael to get my girly movie moods out with lol. Oh so I forgot to mention that I went cherry picking this weekend and Rachael and I made a fresh cherry pie! I even used leaf cookie cutters to make a cool top crust. It was fun and nice to get to see Moo Loo again! Well back to work!

Dumbledore is dead. I am now reminded why I never re-read this book...

Sheesh!

I'm boring and have nothing to report!! Ahhhh!! Horcruxes!!!

Hmmm...

I think I have an aversion to being called an actress. I'm trying to imagine being introduced as an "actress." Secretlly, I was screaming inside my brain, "I'm too smart to just be an actress". I wouldn't mind being called a perfomer...it sounds more atristic. I didn't realize this until I went to this acting class on Sunday. There was a whole mix of people, most of them looking to make there way into acting seriously. Here, I wasn't crazy, in fact, I think I was one of the least serious people about acting in the room and that sorta didn't feel great. And there were tons of girls wearing dresses and rediculous heels!! How on earth do they expect to act in get ups like that??? I had changed out of flip flops in case we had to do any moving in the class. I don't think i'll ever be one of those pretty girl whatever actors. I want to be the quirky fun one. Everyone at the studio definetly got a particular impression of me just by looking at my head shot with the lighter fluid and I think I kinda liked that. I've been reading a lot about head shots, etc. and how you should pick your "type" and really sell it. I think my type is silly, spinny. It's honest. I'm not sure if it's an actual "type" but it gets people's attention. People like to hire those that are fun and enjoyable to work with and I don't think I'd have problems with that. My goal this summer is to relax and have as much fun doing theatre as I can because that's what it's all about. I don't want to be like these girls I took this class with who were afraid to laugh! La dee da world!

today

Yesterday I went and auditioned for my first actual paying job. It was exciting and I didn't die! Then I got a little lost going home cuz I was being stupid. Came home, ate some of rachael's lentil soup and cleaned up my room... Then Josh came over which made me sooooooooooo happy. I got to show off my very own bathroom!! He had some of Rachael's lentil soup too and proceeded to break out into hives from it! I felt so bad but had no idea what to do... So I gave him some bededryl and he was fine by morning. I can't believe he was able to wake up though! The only time I took bededryl (and half the dose josh took) I was out like a light and slept through my alarm and my first two classes of the day! Ahhhh! Yup, so today I started my training as a cage team member at the library! That means I get to scan books!!! Wahoo! Movin' on up! Ok, back to work!

Oh yeah!!!!

I GOT AN A- IN FRENCH!!!!!

THAT'S MEANS:

FRENCH: A-
MONASTICISM: A-
FREUD/ROUSSEAU: B+

Soooooooooo busy!

Blah! So I did my audition for the Chicago Acting Studio yesterday and I got into the class I wanted!!! My audition was sooooooo terible though... I really have a whole lot of work to do if I want to be ready for juliard in feb. I'm seriously thinking of not going to paris. If I stay, my BA paper will stay on schedule, I won't have to take an extra class on top of soc., I'll have time to do another play in the fall, I can take another class with the acting studio, I might actually be able to save up enough money to pay to apply to all of these schools and get decent head shots taken, and I know if I go to Paris it will be one huge distraction from practicing for my Feb. auditions. I really want to go to Paris but I think getting into school is more important at this point. Oh, and I have an audition this evening for a summer UT show. I'm so not ready so I'm practicing all day today on my breaks. Anywho, back to work.

Oh yeah, it's my birthday! (not really)

Wahooo!!!! I got an A- in early monasticism!!!!!! Now all we're waiting for is french! Please let is be an A-!! Pretty please!!!

la la la

Yup, so I have to leave for my meeting with the Chicago Acting Studio in less than an hour. I finished my cart too quickly like usual. There's an audition for a play tomorrow. I hope I get a part... There are only two female roles! Blah!!! So, I'll be practicing this afternoon. Anywho, saw Josh last night. It's annoying how much I missed him. Still waiting on grades! Back to work!

I'm very promising!!!

"this is very good and very promising" with not one, but TWO underlines!!!!!! I got a B+ in my Varieties in Intellectual History class!!! OMG this paper about killed me! Wahoo!!! I'm not a bad writer!! I can make a good argument!!! If the intro. section hadn't been absolutely absymal this soooooooo could have been an A-. We must stage more experiments in the future. Oh, and Rachael got a B+ too!!! Yay for us! We soooooooooooo rock! Happy dance!! Please God, let french and monasticism be this good!

Sheesh!!!

What impatience!!! I was moving all day yesterday and packing for the few days before then! Blah!! But now we're chillin' @ Brian's house and we slept ALL day today cuz Rachael and I were dumb and worked a shift at the Library after moving since 7am. And Jackie if you want to know what the tragedy was you should check out altirnative sources of information i.e. other places I might have written something... ;)

I'm free!!!

Finals are over! My Rousseau experiment was 16 freakin' pages but I turned it in 45min. early!! Work tomorrow, then pack up to move out of the dorm! I can't wait to eat real food again! Rachael and I went bike riding to celebrate today!

Finished the reading!!!

Ok, get a coherent argument for my experiment.
Make hypothesis.
Give background.
Then argue!!
La Nouvelle Heloise is so slow!!

15pgs Due 5pm on Wed. and then I'm free!!!

Happy dance!!

Oh yeah! Guess who's got a BA paper advisor?!!! His name is Paul Cheney!! And he didn't cry when he wrote my proposal!! In face he didn't have any real criticism except some grammar faults and the fact that it's a little general but that's ok cuz he knows I haven't really done any research. So life is good. My french grammar final didn't kill me. In face there were only two questions I was unsure about. Yup. SO now for my early monastacism final. Hopefully, I won't spend my next final hacking my head off like I did in the last one! Wish me luck!

I'm not green! :(

What Color Are You?

Yellows are motivated by fun. They are inviting and embrace life as a party which they're hosting. They love playful interaction and can be extremely sociable and persuasive. They seek instant gratification. YELLOWS need to be adored and praised. While YELLOWS are carefree, they are quite sensitive and highly alert to others motives to control them. YELLOWS carry within themselves the gift of a good heart. YELLOWS need to look good socially, and friendships command a high priority in their lives. YELLOWS are happy, highly verbal, easily bored, and crave adventure. They can never sit still for long. They choose friends who, like themselves, refuse to allow lifes boring details stifle their curiosity. They embrace each day in the present tense. YELLOWS are charismatic, spontaneous, positive, and can be irresponsible, obnoxious, and forgetful. When you deal with a YELLOW praise and adore them, take a positive, upbeat approach, and promote creative and fun activities for and with them.

Take this quiz!

16859 other people got this result!
This quiz has been taken 90069 times.
19% of people had this result.

Hmmmm...

I think I might be an Arian Catholic. Look up arianism on wikipedia. Right now I'm working on reading through all of their main web site http://www.holy-catholic.org/ but I have to study. Number one thing to do when school gets out! Vale!

I HATE MELINDA

She just took my pen and rubbed it all over her toes!!! as;ldkfjas;lkfj;asldkfja;l!!!!! And she talks too much!!! Blah!!

Stolen from Bridgette!

You Are Mint Green

Balanced and calm, you have mastered the philosophy of living well. Your friends seek you out for support, and you are able to bring stability to chaotic situations. You're very open and cheerful - and you feel like you have a lot of freedom in life. Your future may hold any number of exciting things, and you're ready for all of them!

What Color Green Are You?

Beyond Hell Week!

23 Wed. Read for monk
24 Thurs. Read for monk!
25 Fri. Advisor Apt., No Exit, Read for monk!
26 Sat. Indiana Dunes. Read for monk!

27 Sun. Begin paper
28 Mon. NO CLASS! Almost finish paper
29 Tues. Study for Monk final
30 Wed. Monk final!! Finish monk paper
31 Thurs. RP Finish monk paper, begin Int. Paper, study for french final
1 Fri. RP French Final, Int. Paper
2 Sat. Int. Paper

3 Sun. Write
4 Mon. Monk Paper Due
5 Tues. Write
6 Wed. Int. Hist. Paper Due
7 Thurs. Work
8 Fri. Pack
9 Sat. Move out!

I’m sitting in my room not doing hw like usual. Nothing that special. I found a really interesting monologue in Marlowe’s Dido, Queen of Carthage (how couldn’t I like this play after translating book four of the Aeneid twice!) I’ve got so much to do and so many big plans but the rush is starting to fade. I mean every time I pick up a script or read something about a drama school I get dizzy with all the thoughts spinning in my head. And I’m really happy. So many things are going right… So why do I feel awful? Just looking at all of the ROTC stuff all over my room. I mean I made a commitment and I’m not the kind of person who goes back on their word. But if I don’t do this I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. Some people seem to think I’m making a very sudden, rather rash decision but this feels right, like moving out of my mom’s house. It was the right thing to do but I felt awful at the time because I was abandoning her. And that’s what this feels like—I’m abandoning a promise I made. I went with my gut then and that’s what I’m going to do now. And I’m going to work so hard to prove I didn’t break a promise for nothing. Time to get to work!

Game Plan

Ok, so I have a plan to graduate next summer! I have to make a meeting with some more people in the history dept. to really fix a plan for writing my BA paper. Then, I have a meeting with my early monastacism teacher tomorrow to fine tune a real topic for my paper. Same goes for Int. Hist. class. Gonna have a meeting with her thurs. hopefully. Yeah! I'm researching drama schools and I have e-mailed Major Moody to make a meeting about the Air Force. Yup! And this summer we learn monologues! 20 to be precise! Hope there's a summer show. There's been no talk of one but a girl can dream?! Anywho, reading to do! And swing tonight! Vale!

Post 300

I don't know what to do now... This stupid job gives me way too much time to think!! Today I was thinking about the play I saw last night. I absolutely loved it! But why is it I can't go see a show, professional or otherwise, without wishing it was me up there on that stage. I'm usually convinced that I could do better even if the actress is outstanding and there's this longing to be the one up there that's getting harder and harder to ignore. I mean in high school I remember thinking about theatre and how much I would miss it when it was gone. But I was always doing theatre so it was easy to put it in the back of my mind. ANd as much as I loved theatre, and egyptology was a greater love for me. But now? I don't know... I mean I really love theatre. I like connecting with an audience. I like being able to share things with them. But I'm not any good and there's no possible way that I could pursue this. I mean I'd have to quit the air force, pay them back... transfer schools or try and graduate from here early... I don't know what to do. I need to keep thinking.

Back to work!

Yup, that's the theme of this week! Do work! Write papers! Get paper topics!! Wahoo!!! Yeah!

Correction

Barry has red jumpsuit and blue sleeves.

Busy, busy, busy!!

Yeah, so I have to meet with my advisor tomorrow and go to a silly awards ceremony at eight in the morning!! I stayed up all night working on scav hunt. I'm working on two items this year:

Item 25: Go to the lobby and get yourselves a snack. Dress appropriately for your big song and dance number, which you will perform. (19 points. No points for Max Palevsky Cinema, because they don't have a lobby, tools)

Item 159: "Where's Waldo?" is pretty easy when you think about it. I mean c'mon the guy is in EVERY picture. We're going to play a game called "Where's Barry?" Barry is an African-American male with short curly black hair. He's wearing a blue jumpsuit with red sleeves, and has an expression of bemusement. He's somewhere in the "Where's Waldo?" series of books. Find him (3 points)

For 25 our inspiration was the following: http://www.filmack.com/products/ClassicLobbyA.htm. I'm gonna be the soda! Gonna bring bubbles!!

Anyways, french paper outline time! Vale!

Scav hunt costume building!

Bonjour Monsieur Linné

What did I see in Tarpon Springs?

Current State of My Mind

La Verité

+= l'ennui

Je suis desolé!!

I would like to apologize for how remiss I've been about updating my Blog!! But I don't want to do my reading so here I am!! I've decided to resume the current state of my mind bit because well, you'll see! lol. Yeah, so study abroad meeting today!!! Je vais à Paris en automne!!! And I start swing dancing class tomorrow with Josh! It's gonna be a blast! Although, he's gonna miss one because he's abandoning me to go to LA for a week! That PUNK! lol. Yeah, so my mom graduated this past weekend. I shoulda brought my camera but it wouldn't have mattered cuz I probably would have put it in my suit case that they lost for about a day!! It was a fun trip. I got to see the sponge capital of the world- Tarpon Springs! And we went on a boat. So very nice. I really miss FL. Too bad I'm not gonna be able to go back there any time soon. Anywho, I should go do hw or something semi productive. Season finale of gilmore girls tonight! Vale!

:(

I miss Barjo!! My beautiful, 12in ibook... He's in the shop getting his screen fixed and I'm having separation anxiety. I can't find a single computer that I like to type on! Excuse me, it's just too painful to talk about. Perhaps, I'll write here again when he returns. Until then, I must say good bye.

Abnormally Good Mood Today

I've been dancing all over the library today. I ran into Rachel Landau and she was telling me about 24 hour playz which I am sooooooooo doing! I might write this time... we'll see. dining in is tonight which kinda sucks and I have to go see the apt. today. Fun stuff. Back to work!

:)

Lucky for all of you who read my blog, I have all ready vented about my awful day. SO now we're taking some time out from it all and doing something good for my soul!!! Mwuahahahahahaha! This has been a really, really crazy week. So tonight I'm gonna chill. Vale@!

Group Version (with Rachael!!)

Revised Jodie!

Hahahaha Best Jodie I've written yet!

Hootey-Hoo!!!

I passed my QFR!!! I did 31 push ups!!! THat's 11 more than last time! 47 sit-ups, 7 more than last time, and 12:57 run. I really need to work on this one. And since it's getting nicer and I can finally run outside this should be no problem! But 31 push-ups!! And I used the entire minute!! And Major Moody said I did a really good job on my form!! Wahooo!!!

This was weird!

So I had a really crazy dream last night about Shoshi. I guess I should preface this with the fact that Rachael, Brian, and I were talking to her for a while in the pit last night. Anywho, it was a Harry Potter dream of course. Harry and co. (yes i was one of them!) were trying to find out about Voldemort's new weapon (i.e. something worse than avada kedavra) and somehow we heard that he didn't develop the weapon himself. He got it from a young person who happened upon it by accident and guess who that young person was? Shoshi!! She was trying to find a way to erase badness and such from the world and she somehow managed to create a spell that would erase things. They don't die. Their souls don't move on the next world. After being hit with this spell, they never existed in the first place. They vanish and their gone. It was a really scary thing to watch Shoshi do it when we went to talk to her. We found her in France and she was all excited about her new discovery (she hadn't considered using it on humans... it was just a sort of accident) but she was really optimistic about all the "good" her new spell could do in the world. She didn't know Voldemort had somehow found out about it. It was crazy. When we were talking to her about her new spell it felt the same as talking to Hagrid and realizing that he had actually told Querrel how to get past fluffy by accident. It was not a pleasant feeling. Implications of this spell? Voldemort could erase someone and not damage his already feeble soul. There are no ramifications for a persons soul because you're not killing something. And you don't have to focus all your hatred to make the spell work. Happy Shoshi could perform the spell without any problem. So Harry could perform the spell...

On a lighter note I'm still listening to the Last Five Years. I've been talking to a lot of people about it and I think I've got a sort of game plan. Oh and I came up with something to do this summer that will make it oh soooo much more bareable. Hope I get it! I'm not going to tell you yet because I might jinx it. Yeah, so I was walking home and it was such a beautiful day. I remember thinking things just can't get better than this: good weather, good music, good ice cream from the c-shop (the shake machine was broken so they just gave out scoops of ice cream lol)... And then I remembered that I was going to see Josh tomorrow and smiled knowing that things can and hopefully will get better in a little more than 24 hours lol. I do really look forward to seeing him. Vale!

Done!

I turned in my financial aid crap today!!! Wahoo!!! And I have a crap load of stuff to read about Rousseau!!! Wahoo!!! Vale!

Late night musings

~what else are you thinking about
-the last five years
-and how i don't know what to do now
~what to do right this second?
-every major thing i was thinking of doing with that show they did!
-sheesh
~great
~so reproduce it
-i was planning on proposing the show next year
~but make it better
~do it
-i don't want to reproduce what other people have done
~you wouldn't be
~i know
~different people, different talents
-still
~you'd take it a different direction too
-how do you know?
-lol
~i just know
-i was also thinking about how i haven't seen a rainbow in years
-i don't know why
-random
-lol

(-)=moi

Blah de dah!

I keep listening to the last five years. I'm such a dork. I'm really in love with this show.

Now I can die happy!

I saw The Last Five Years today and it was amazing! It was showing at the Royal George Theatre on their third floor which was this tiny little theatre the size of BJ's one on the basement!! The singers had problems with overwhelming the small space. But I saw it and the director made so many choices I would have made. Having the other person get off stage after each song, costume changes, using all the space, it was just really awesome. I really loved Jamie!! He was dorky, and cute, and so very loveable, especially at the begining! He wasn't the best singer but when he was talking to his manager, or cathy, or whoever they were really present for him. Cathy on the other had I wanted to strangle. The girl was an amazing singer and very pretty, but she wasn't singing to anyone. Not to herself, jamie, etc. when there was no one on stage with her. In fact, she sang to the ceiling for the first half the show!! Blah! And she went a little overboard with the verbrato. But there were moments when I really liked her. And when she and Jamie sang together I wanted to die. They were so cute and sweet. It was really beautiful and that's what I wanted. I think the contrast between the happy and the arguing unhappy parts could have been bigger. Oh and when Jamie did the Schmeul song at the end he had a copy of backstage for her and pulled out a small pocket watch from a box when he tells her he is giving her unlimited time and I wanted to squeel! It was the sweetest, cutest thing ever. Such a personal creative sort of christmas present and I loved it. :) All I can do is sigh with contentment now.

BTW

I bought my ticket to Paris today!!!

First Real Rehearsal

Dude, I finished my first real rehearsal and it was fun. I have a whole monologue about horses now and I get to play a lot. Should be fun. The hardest part will be to get inside my own little world and stay there. I think at this point the only thing I find hard is the lack of energy among some of the actors. We went through this thing a million times it felt like and nothing really changed that much. So I guess that's the challenge for the director. Encouraging the actor to explore and play. Yeah, but I'm really excited about my part. We're trying to find an autistic person to talk to. Oh, and two members of the cast have autistic cousins. Kinda weird... I've never known of anyone with autism. Anywho, I'm about done with my css profile and fafsa. I've just got one more thing to get from my dad and I'm done!!! Wahoo!!! And the peasants cheer!!! :) I spent yesterday afternoon singing. It was so great. I think i'm finally getting over this whole sick thing. Vale!

Paper break

Yesterday was a long day. Class, reading, rotc, then mass, and more hw. I think mass was the hardest part of all of it. I sat there for the frist time and felt like I didn't belong. That I was loosing this community that i've been a part of for most of my life. I stood there and i couldn't say the words. I couldn't sing the songs. I came home and talked to Rachael about it for a while and we did some reading about things online. And by the end of it all Rachael and I knew that I had made a decision. Not because of rational facts, not out of pure curiosity, but because of what I feel in my heart. Based on my own relationship with G-d this was the only decision I could make. And now i don't know what to do next. I guess just start reading and talking about what my options are. At least G-d has stood by me through all of this. There's never been a doubt that I was loved and that in the end everything would be ok. Just another thing to be greatful for. It's funny though. I'm listening to the last five years. Has nothing to do with anything. It just fits me. Well back to my french paper. Vale!

Thursday Morning!

This morning the sun came up! I don't know why but every now and then i get excited about stuff like that. The weather is beautiful. I can't help but feel lucky for how I have been blessed so far in my life. I know I'm not the best about appreciating all the things I've been given. So right now I'm taking a moment to say thank you!!! Thank you all my friends for not getting annoyed and being there through all of my DRAMA! Thank you friends who live far away who haven't forgotten me! Thank you Josh for being so good at making me smile! Thank you God for being with me in my time of questions and doubt. I just want to say thanks to everyone in my life. I really am so very greatful. :)

Back, and better than ever!

So due to popular demand, and Jackie's incessant notes, I have decided to end the silence and begin posting here again! Sorry for the absence. I've been sick and oh so very busy. My history classes are keeping me more than just a little bit occupied. But I'm back at work, finally, which means I've got lots of time for blog posting lol. Seriously, the only time I write here is when I'm at work. Hopefully, I won't get another job that keeps me away from blogging lol. Yup, but things are great for the moment. I got cast in a show despite not auditioning... It's a staged reading of a student written piece and rather existential. Can you believe that I got type cast as an autistic child?? It's crazy! And now I have to do all this research on autisim because I don't much about it. Hmmmm... what else to write? Rousseau is fun?! I still don't talk in my history class. Mostly because I don't really have anything to say... I usually take in the information and then take my time processing it on my own. We'll see. It's strange though because I talk in my monasticism class, but that's mostly because no one else does! Oh and I'm learning french punctuation right now and it's so confusing. I'm never going to be able to use a semi-colon, etc. in english right now because I'll have the stupid french rules in my head!! Blah!!!! Anywho, maybe I'll go work or something? Vale!

Tired

You know when your head starts to hurt in your forehead when you haven't slept a lot? That's what I've got. I can't wait till i get off work at five. I'm going to take a nap, then read some rousseau and stuff bout early monasticism and then I'm going back to sleep! Oh, i might eat something at some point... lol. It's funny to be so tired but still in a pretty good mood lol. I just can't dance as much as I'd like to :>) Anywho, gotta get back to work! Vale!

New Ok Cupid Test

From The Sonnet to:

The Window Shopper
Random Gentle Love Dreamer

Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on a romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper.

You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come.

Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns.

Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.

BEWARE: The Hornivore
CONSIDER: The Gentleman, The Loverboy, The Boy Next Door