oh yeah

it was sunny otday and i didn't even get to enjoy it

Damn the world!

I'm sick... aGAIN!!! I'VE been throwing up since six pm. But i've been feeling sick all day so I didn't really eat anything all day except a breakfast bar. So i've been throwing up water which, let me tell you, is unpleasant. Rachael's been staying with me and we already called the doctor on call. They think I have the stomach flu... Now I'm making Rachael read me one of my favorite books, It's funny cuiz she can't pronounce all the irish names! Oh and I have a paper due tomorrow that I haven't written. I don't think it's gonna happen. I e-mailed my professor asking for an extension. Maybe he'll take pity on my poor soul. Vale!

At work and not working!

So I've been shelving books and listening to my lines that I recorded last night. I definetly need to sit down and play with each of these monologues individually. It was really neat though to hear all my monologues back to back to back. You get a better feel for the progression. It occured to me that Violet never gets angry. I think I might try and change that. There's one moment in particular that I've been playing sort of dispairing and freaking out. But I think she could get a bit angry there. And I think I've got a pretty good hold on most of it except the random word monologue, the song, and the last two phone calls. I think I need to talk to Cassie again. Cuz with the telephone calls in particular, I don't think what we had in mind originally is really working. I don't know why I'm writing about this here. You have no idea what I'm talking about. I just have to write things down sometimes. That's why I have like five or more journals lol. I didn't sleep much last night. I'm not really broken up about it though. I've got a lot of reading to do this weekend and a bio. paper to write. Well break's over. Vale!

I didn't know what to say...

So this guy I've been randomly talking to online lately just sent me a message apoligizing for not talking to me lately because his grandfather died. I just didn't know what to say. No I've ever known has died. I really don't know what I would do or how I would handle it. And for the first time I really didn't know what to say...

Been busy

What began as a very ambitious quarter has been trimmed down to only three classes + ROTC. It's been nice because the workload seems manageable for the moment and I have the time to really throw myself into my classes. I have time to do extra research on things that pricked a part of my brain. It's been really nice. Oh btw, I LOVE Petrarch. I finished his "the Ascent of Mt. Ventoux" and "on his own ignorance" a week ago and they were amazing. Petrarch seems like a lively passionate sort of fellow. He made me laugh and think and has now contributed four different quotes to my facebook profile. They were both part of The Renaissance Philosophy of Man that we are reading for my renaissance humanism class. For the first time we're raising questions and such that I hadn't thought too much about before. I'm almost tempted to be a philosophy major because that's the part I like the most so far. But we were talking about why the humanists thought we studied history. I can't say I found a sufficient answer. Some said we studied it to contextualize and better understand the bible, others because history repeats itself so we should read it to be able to make more informed decisions. That's always the ones that history teachers give. I can't say that either of those are the reason I study history. I think my love of history was rooted in my fascination with people. I love to watch people, to understand why they make certain decisions, etc. I think it stemmed from my inability to understand my irrational parents--particularly my mother! And I generally like people. I think we're amazing fascinating creatures and it only seemed natural to read about things people had done, what they believed in, how they interacted with each other, etc. But even this explanation seems too simple. Perhaps I like to study history because it helps me understand how the world I live in got to where it is now. Perhaps, I wanted to understand myself better so I read about other people that had similar beliefs, etc. The thing that amazes me is the diversity you can find. History may repeat itself but it does so in so many different ways! You can see it most strikingly with the ancient cultures. They were so cut off from one another that they could go off in their own direction without being influenced. I mean look at the Egyptians, Sumerians, Minoans, Chinese, early Americas, Incas, etc. All so very different!!! But today we seem to be loosing those unique fun differences. With a global exchange of ideas and information we begin more and more to look, think, and act the same. I don't know what I'm talking about really. Thoughts seem to spill out of my head. But for the first time I have time for thoughts to spill out!!

I noticed today that I tend to zone out a lot. I was in French class today and realized not once but a couple times that what I was thinking about had nothing to do with the lecture. And I started thinking about how often I do this. In rehearsal I often have to be brought out of my thoughts and the same for when I'm walking anywhere. I drift off and then someone will say hi to me and I may or may not even notice. It's such a jarring feeling too. To be woken out of an almost dream. Then I thought about how it would feel to be constantly in that state. To be moving about the world all the time lost in another place in your mind. It reminded me of a book I read. Basically the evil stepmother casts a spell on her stepchildren turning all six boys into swans. The sister escaped and has to make a shirt for each one of them out of this stinging plant. But she herself is about to be burned as a witch by some other people when she hasn't quite finished the sleeve on the last shirt. So this last brother was doomed to walk that in-between line. He was human with the wing of a swan and lived in a place between being human and swan. I sometimes wonder if that could happen to me if I didn't have someone to bring me back.

Feeling Better!!

So it seems I was a bit sicker than I realized.. When I was on my way to Bio on Wed. I managed to spill hot chocolate all over myself without realizing it and was having trouble staying on the side walk for some reason. I think i was dehidrated. Anywho, I managed to feel better enough yesterday to go to ROTC and rehearsal. OMG!!! I got a new space! New blocks to play with and a phone!! It was soooooooooooooo much fun. I was sorta exploring the space to see how many different ways I could fit my body into it. Then I played with the phone a lot. Calling numbers with my nose, spinning the receiver with my foot, and other random silliness. Cassie had to tell me to tone it down cuz it was distracting lol. I was just in a bit of a silly mood because I'd been cooped up so long from being sick. And today I have work and my character meeting!! Wahoo!!! I'm excited. I have so much to talk to cassie about. I think what i'm really struggling with is how Violet got to the begining of the story and what she does all day. Well hopefully wonderfulness will happen at the meeting and we'll all be able to celebrate! Anywho, back to work! Oh and Rachael and I are going to Steppenwolf tonight! Wahoo!

: (

I'm sick. Stuffy nose, headace sick. Blah on the world!!! I hate kleenex. I never used to get sick. Those were the days. Then i moved up north and bam, sick all the time!! lkasjdfl;kasjdf;laksjdf!!!

Pain! Lots of Pain!

OMG!!!! Yoga can die! I'm in soooooo much pain today. The lower half of my body would like to curl up and die right now. It's my own darn fault for not doind anything in so long. Blah on the world!!!

I didn't sleep at all last night!

Ok, so I had work at 8am today!! Blah! And I couldn't get to sleep last night because I was thinking about Violet and I had, in short, a major revelation that I immediately had to write down. I thought I would share it since I thought it was important enough to loose sleep over. Well it began with an excercise we did in rehearsal. Cassie had us interview each other in character. Where are you from, what do you do during the day, what do like to eat for breakfast, etc. Well I, like an idiot, hadn't really read the script in a while and had forgotten a lot of info about Violet like the the fact that she's an orphan!!! So when I was asked where I was from, where my parents lived, etc. I made up some BS about how they lived on the other side of new york and that I didn't really see them often since they lived so far away. I went on to talk about how I went to community college because it was cheaper and I was paying my own way through etc. because I wanted to assert some independence and not be burden on my parents. This all sounded fine and dandy but she's an orphan. We're all orphans!!! But what if Violet would lie about her parents? Violet longs for a flock, community, human contact. She wants people to like her. So she probably would lie about her parents being alive to make herself seem more normal and then maybe people would like her. That and she doesn't want people to pity her she wants people to like her. I think Violet has a huge fantasy life pervades all aspects of her life, including her work. I think she really believes that she's helping people by directing them to the right person to call. But what if in a moment she realizes that she really isn't helping anyone? That she's getting the same problems over and over and nothing changes, nothing ever gets better. I think that's when she retreats even farther into her fantasies and that's when she convinces herself that she's a bird. Birds always have a community, they help each other, they're not selfish, no one is ever alone or hurting. You don't have to think or make decisions. I also think that although she really wants a community, someone to care about her and to share things with, she's really shy and afraid of people. She's always been alone and so I think she just doesn't know how to socialize with others. Maybe that's why she works at home. At home she's in her own space. She doesn't have to be reminded every day how awkward and lonely she is. So I think I've decided that Violet is an escapist. Well more later. For now back to work!

I like to think that I haven't changed because if I haven't changed then I'm still in control. I can't recall very many, if any, concious changes and so they must have happened despite myself, without my permission. Not that I think it's bad that I have changed. In fact I look at the person I am now and the person I once was and it makes me smile and want to cry, all at the same time. Today we were playing a bunch of improv games in rehearsal and I realised that I was never able to do that before. I've also come to realise that I don't do things just because I'm supposed to anymore. I used to work hard in school because that's what I was supposed to do. No my parents never pressured me and no they never explicitly said this is what we want but I think deep down I did it to make their lives easier and to make them proud of me. And I accomplished both of these goals. But now I'm in college and for the first time I'm spending the time to really think about why I do things like theatre, school work, etc. Things that were once just a give in. I'm sad though because there's so much going on that I've lost something of myself. The part of me that could just sit and stare at a bunch of swishing trees for hours, totally enraptured by the world that I found myself in. Now when I walk I'm mostly bouncing around or dancing to my music. It's not a bad thing it's just different. Sometimes I remember. At odd moments I remember. I feel really happy here and I really don't feel like I deserve it. If only I could stay in school forever. Good night.

Sleep

I've been sleeping a lot lately. i really like my classes and still I don't really feel motivated. I'm in a play which is exciting. But I haven't really been able to work on it like I would like. I had a dream that's been bothering me. I've been having lots of dreams lately. I don't remember them for long. But they're there. Anyways, one of them just seemed like one of my normal mixed up thought sorta dreams. But there was a moment when i was with someone i know (this is weird because people I know are almost never in my dreams but sometimes i'll put someone i know only a little, that reminds me of this person i don't know in my dream, so that they will have a face and i think that's what happened this time). I got so caught up in the implications of this particular person being in my dream that it took me half a day to recognize the feeling that I had when i saw this person. It's a feeling that I've only ever had once. Toward one other faceless person in another dream when i was in 9th grade. I used to remember that dream so well. Every detail, ever movement, and now all I remember are shadows and one very distinct feeling that was also in the dream i had the other night. I don't know why I'm going on and on about this. But it was a feeling that I've never had in real life before. I'm breaking all the rules by talking about this. I have rules about saying things out loud or writing them. But I finally made myself write about that dream in ninth grade so it seems only fitting that I write about this one too... I'm just a little lost right now. Vale.

Post Readthrough Bounciness!

Ok, so the read through was soooooo amazing! I love my part. I'm just sad that I don't get to worship the poodle too. It could have been fun. Anywho, I have lots of birdie fun, a song (with no melody we'll see what to do with that later...), and I have to kiss this kid named Joal. I don't know how I feel about this. I've never had to do a kiss on stage. But it doesn't really bother me too much. I was so happy she found her flock. I have so much to think about and questions to ask. I went and got a Violet journal to write all my thoughts and etc. in it concerning the play. Anywho, Rachael and I are watching pride and prejudice (the old one) right now. Well Vale!

I'm still glowing!

Oh I just can't believe it. I don't know why she cast me. i was so afraid I was going too over the top. And when I went into the call back she said "and you're janice right...?" I mean she really had no idea who I was etc. I'm just so excited. I think Violette (I like the french spelling better! even though that may or may not be the actual french spelling. I should really look that up. I just like the ette words!) is going to be something really fun that I'll be able to play with. But still. I only got called back for one thing and I actually got it... I think it's because I put all of my energy into one show instead of trying to do all of them. i actually didn't even bother to try out for will fulton's show. I was just tired and not in the mood. It all worked out in the end though. I can't wait for the read through this sunday. I really should go to sleep but I'm just not even a little bit tired. I've been hanging out with Rachael all evening doing absolutely nothing. Just watching a lot of TV and reading and talking... Maybe I'll be productive and do some reading or something... Vale!

I got it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!! I GOT THE PART!!!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO BE VIOLETTE!!!!!! THE BIRD LADY IN A POODLE WITH GUITAR AND DARK SUNGLASSES!!!!! HERE'S THE MONOLOGUE THAT GOT ME THE PART!!!!!

(Violet is a young woman, 19 - 35, living alone in a small New York City apartment. Jerry is one of her neighbors and has just walked in on her standing atop her desk, pretending to fly.)

JERRY: Where you headed?
VIOLET: South.
JERRY: How come?
VIOLET: It's a migratory thing. You wouldn't understand.
JERRY: But I'm interested. Explain it to me. What gets you going?
VIOLET: Well. You get a feeling. It's hard to explain. You get restless. How it starts, you can't shut up. You chatter compulsively: chatter, chatter, chatter. Everybody else is feeling the same; everybody crowds together, chattering away: "what's happening-what's up-whaddaya wanna do-I dunno-I'm feelin' jumpy-how you feel-hey hey hey hey hey" and the noise of everybody chattering at once gets louder and louder and louder - this part can take days.
JERRY: Sounds nerve-wracking!
VIOLET: Oh, you bet. Next thing, you can't sit still. You start diving off your branch and swooping around and you don't know why. You feel like you're out of control, like there's this huge force that's pulling at you and you don't know what and you don't know where but you can't stay still. It's kind of exciting. You heart's going bip-bip-bip-bip-bip, and you can't think at all; your mind's completely absent, you're just a single focused burning sensation of I gotta move. And you're all feeling it together, you're all diving and swooping and chattering and with every dive and swoop you're getting more in sync, beginning more and more to move as one, drawing together from a ragged cloud of individuals into The Flock and it all comes together on an instant as you dive and instead of returning to the branches the swoop takes you back up and higher, higher, everyone finding their place in the formation - oh, you can't imagine what a feeling that is, to know your place in the formation

AND HERE'S THE SUMMARY OF THE SHOW!!!!

Poodle With Guitar and Dark Glasses Synopsis
Poodle with Guitar and Dark Glasses, written by Liz Duffy Adams in 2001, follows four nights in the lives of five individuals who are striving to rediscover the purpose to their lives. Fuchsia (F) is a romance novelist who has lost control over her novel's main character. Jade (F) is a painter who has lost touch with her creative side. Gray (M) is an ESL teacher for Russians who has lost the ability to communicate. Violet (F) is a girl who has lost her community, her flock. And Jerry (M) is a silent photographer who encourages their actions and records their results over these four nights.
Poodle with Guitar and Dark Glasses is a surreal exploration into the human psyche. Its' characters embrace the desires that many individuals suppress, desires which tend to seem cliche and base in modern American society. Each character tells their story through a series of monologues, until the final scene when the players reach out to one another to get help finding what they have lost. The production runs at just about one hour, and will be preceded by the one-act 'Not I' by Samuel Beckett. It will go up ninth week, and requires three females and two males.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!! THE READ THROUGH IS THIS SUNDAY!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Back!

Why is it the only time I write on here is when I'm at work??? Well anywho... I'm back at school and my classes are pretty good. Taking two classes on the renaissance on the same day is fun and human heredity seems like it's going to be pretty easy. So all that's left is my drama class but I don't start until this monday. Speaking of drama, I auditioned for UT's winter shows this week. It was hell. For the musical audition my heart just wasn't in it. Whatever... The only thing that I was really excited about was Poodle with guitar and sunglasses. The monologue for the audition was a girl who thinks she is a bird and is about to migrate. It was sooooooo much fun to prepare and I wore a feather boa because birds have feathers and it made sense to me at the time! Anywho, I actually got called back! I mean I put a lot of work into it but I really didn't think I would get called back. I was like crazy excited and cleaned my room and did laundry. Then the freaking out phase hit and I just sorta got quiet and lost a lot of my energy. And I think that's what was missing in my call back, energy. I just don't know how it went at all. I had to read two different parts with two different people. It was crazy. I just don't think I did very well. THis girl I was reading with was fantastic and I felt like such a loser. And that's what I was singing on the way home "I'm a loser, and a coward... and I know I'm gonna fail" :( I was just in a mood. I really wanted this and I really don't think I got it. So I sort of moped around all evening. Poor Rachael! She had to deal with me through most of it. But today I feel better. Not getting into this show is not the end of the world. I think I need a quarter off anyways. Well I should get back to work! Vale!