I'm still here.

It's moments like right now that remind me why I love keeping a journal. Not only do you get to harness your energy into an object, you can share that with others, and read it yourself and watch yourself change. I just got done reading through a bunch of my old blog entries (luckily I can see the ones I published and didn't publish;). What spurred on this sudden interest? I talked to Josh. It's the first time I've heard his voice since we broke up, and it sounded like the voice of a stranger. I mean it's been about a year so obviously we're not on familiar terms anymore, but I didn't expect him to sound like a stranger. So I went back and started to read the things I used to write about him, and how we used to interact. I think we always were strangers, and somehow I didn't realize that until now. I want to know what it's like for someone to truly know me, and to know that person in return. I know all too well what it's like to confide everything to someone only to have them never trust me with anything about themselves. I mean I ask for it. I tell everyone everything and it's ridiculous to expect everyone to do the same in return. But it would be nice to know 1 person who would tell me everything, so I wouldn't have to feel so alone when I tell them everything.

I also noticed something else that I have been ignoring for some time. Can you hazard a guess as to how often I talk about singing in this blog? About a song I've been singing, or how i miss singing to my dogs, or how I related everything I was feeling about breaking up with Josh to the songs I was inspired to sing in that particular moment... when it was time to get ready for fall auditions all I thought or cared about was finding the perfect songs for the musical auditions. I love to sing. It's nothing to hide or be embarrassed about. I love to sing, and it seems so very silly for me to have to read about it to realize it. This present sickness is killing me because I can't sing! I can't sleep most of the time because there's a song stuck in my head!! I love to sing. That's all.