I can't concentrate on my reading... I have so much to do and I just can't concentrate. My off-off audition was awful. My partner was amazing and I just didn't know how to respond to that. I mean I don't know. I just didn't have any stage presence... I used to have that in spades. In fact, it's the only thing i could count on. I hate this. I hate who I am lately. I have all these doubts and just don't know what to do. I want to be in a show but i'm dying with all the work i have to do. I'm already freaking out with all the work. And I want to add to that?! There's this part of me that just wants to say "Fuck you stupid UofC! I don't even want to be here anymore. All i want to do is freaking act and I can't even do that?! What the hell?" I'm listening to the Last Five years again. I only do that when I'm freaking out. I just need to get into something so I know I'm not a total idiot for choosing this profession. I'm doing this because I love it! Because when I'm not involved in a production a part of me wants to die. And, that's how I feel right now... Like, a part of me wants to just curl up and die. I know that I'm in this scene study class etc, and that's a way bigger deal. But there's no audience. There's classmates who are judging you. there are no lights. The energy from the audience is completely different. This is what I want and I just blew it again and I don't know why... I know i shouldn't worry, I mean improv is a completely different monster. But, I wanted this. I wanted it a lot. But I need to get used to rejection. that's all i'm going to get as an actor. So, I guess that's all this is. A test to see if I can handly a lot of rejection. I just want to be in a show that rapes me sideways... something that gets under my skin and challenges me to the point I don't think I can handle it. That's what I want. And, well, I thought improv could be that kind of challenge. Oh well. Keep moving. I just need a little momentum.