It's really over now.

I was just watching a show on the problems with India's higher education. It reminded me of Josh. "and then his eyes light up and how can I complain" as it goes in the Last Five Years. I didn't sleep much last night.

I watched...

Hotel Rawanda today with kate and brian. I couldn't watch a whole lot of it because I kept on running and hiding in Rachael's room. I can't believe they all made it out alive. Afterwards, I felt... off. It was as bad as some of my nightmares. So I blew off all my friends and went to the lake. I found a secret place in the rocks where no one could see me and I cried. As I sat there talking to God the sky cried with me for hundreds upon hundreds of people I've never met. And I just lay there for a while. I couldn't stop crying. Having the dreams made it hurt worse because this was real. These were real people. And no one helped them.

Angel DumottSchunard You scored 75% creativity, 54% monogamy, 23% conformity, and 51% optimism!

You're Angel! If your friends all seem to adore you, it's because they do. You're a fun person to be around -- creative, loyal, original, and optimistic. You're a romantic, and always have a new view on life. You like longterm relationships, and if you haven't had one or aren't in one, you may be looking for true love. However, it's not an obsession, and you don't let it get you down. You like to live life as it comes. You're probably extremely open minded, and may have a diverse variety of friends. They probably like to be around you a lot, because you don't lie to them, but you do tend to look on the bright side of every event. You probably have a lot of ideas about how things could be better in the world, and you honestly believe that you and your friends can help get them accomplished.

What rent character are you?

What on earth is this? lol.

Tekka & Kappa

55% Adventurousness, 48% Complexity, 34% Heartiness

Simple maki rolls of tuna (tekka) and cucumber (kappa). Once the staple food of the Tokyo pachinko palace set, because it could be eaten one-handed while gambling, now available everywhere from supermarkets to sushi restaurants. Not adventurous, but an old reliable favorite. Hey, not everything has to be so complicated.

Link: The "What Sushi Are You?" Test(OkCupid Free Online Dating)

Painting my toe nails makes me feel more like a girl. Now all I need to do is put on a dress ;) Phantom of the Opera makes me sad.

Green Beans! Dinner of Champions!

I did laundry!

I'm the only person I know who has a light, dark, and then a green load ;)

Post #350

I woke up and it was still dark. Not only was it dark, it was raining!! So I e-mailed work and told them i wasn't coming in (how could I turn down some rain??). I got dressed, said bye to Rachael and headed out. I don't know why people in Chicago are so afraid of a little rain. I rolled up my pants not long after I left and walked down to the Shoreland where I crossed under the high way to get to the lake. By this time it was really pouring and there was NO ONE around. I think I saw one runner and one biker while I was by the lake. I then walked north to go over the bridge to get home. My fingers got all wrinkly and the lake was oddly calm. All the lightning stayed over the lake. It was beatiful. Good for the soul beautiful. I think I must have been a plant or something because rain feels so nourishing and wonderful. I bought milk and made hot chocolate when I got home. My soaking wet clothes are hanging in the bathroom. :) Now for Harry Potter.

It's time..

to do some good things for my soul. I began today by visiting mugglenet.com for the first time in a long while and started reading HP (see earlier entry ;). I also got orange chicken for dinner. It was good! lol. Tomorrow, I will have to do something good because I'm going to be shifting all day :( Still wishing for rain! Maybe I should read the weather report... But that would ruin the surprise.

It's time..

to do some good things for my soul. I began today by visiting mugglenet.com for the first time in a long while and started reading HP (see earlier entry ;). I also got orange chicken for dinner. It was good! lol. Tomorrow, I will have to do something good because I'm going to be shifting all day :( Still wishing for rain! Maybe I should read the weather report... But that would ruin the surprise.

I got the letter today! I'm calling them tomorrow!

Dear Janice,

Kurt Naebig teaches a special scene study class at The Acting Studio Chicago and we begin our registration on an 'invite only' basis. Kurt's goal is to assemble a dynamic group of actors who have demonstrated a high level of professionalism and talent and he would like to invite you to the class.

Advanced Scene Study will begin on Monday, September 18th and will meet every Monday for eight weeks. Tuition will be ___.

Advanced Scene Study will be limited to 14 students so if you'd like to join the class, please give us a call at the studio as soon as possible.

Orpheus
33% Extroversion, 93% Intuition, 100% Emotiveness, 59% Perceptiveness


You are an artist, an aesthete, a sensitive, and someone who has never really let go of that childlike innocence. To you, all of life has a sense of wonder in it, and the story of Orpheus was written about someone just like you.

When the Argo passed the island of the Sirens, Orpheus played a song more beautiful than the Sirens to prevent the crew from becoming enticed. When his wife died, he ventured into the underworld to charm Hades but, in his naivete, he looked back becoming trapped there.

You can capture your unique world view and relate it to others with the skill of a master storyteller. Your sensitivity and creativity make you a treasure to the human race, but your thin-skinned nature and innocence can cause you a lot of disenchantment and pain. What's doubly unfortunate is that, if you try to lose those traits, you never will, and everyone will be able to tell that you're putting up an artificial shell to prevent yourself from being hurt.

Famous people like you: Hemingway, Shakespeare, Mr. Rogers, Melville, Nick Tosches
Stay clear of: Icarus, Hermes, Atlas

Link: The Greek Mythology Personality Test written by Aleph_Nine on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Why did it take me so long to figure out this is what i needed?

The answer: Harry Potter. Unfortunetly, the reg's copy of book one is missing. So i'm reading my favorite, book three.

This song just came on the radio

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldnt even sleep
So many secrets I couldnt keep
I promised myself I wouldnt weep
One more promise I couldnt keep

It seems no one can help me now,
Im in too deep; theres no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow Im neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Lifes mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried,
Day and night, earth and sky,
Somehow I just dont believe it

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow Im neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
Its just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow Im neither here nor there

Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same

I haven't been eating right...

The smell of any kind of cooked food has been doing a number on me these past few days. I was really sad yesterday morning. It was hard to concentrate and practice my monologues. Then I had my meeting with my acting teacher at eleven and we talked for a while. He said he thinks i'm in the right profession, I just need to figure out how to get myself to bring it, on command. Expand my bubble so to speak. But he wants me to take his master's scene study class! I can't believe it. Becuase I was going to ask him if he'd let me in his level two begining class! Instead, he offered me a spot in a master's class! Yesterday reminded me why I do theatre. I don't do it just to move people, force them to see some sort of truth, I also do it because it really lets me get things out in a positive way. I had a hard time doing the lovey dovey part of my Viola monologue (12th night). It was just really hard.

Why what would I?
Make me a willow cabin at your gate
And call upon my soul within the house.
Write loyal cantons of condemned love
And sing them loud even in the dead of night.
Hallow your name to the reverberate hills
And make the babbling gossip of the air
Cry out, "Olivia"

It just came out sorta angry in class. So I came home and rachael and brian and I went out to dinner to celebrate me getting into this advanced class. We went to Uno and got some really great pizza. I was starving because I hadn't really eaten anything in 2 days, so of course I over did it. And today the sight of food disgusts me again. Bah. Whatever.

I was online last night talking to a bunch of friends in GA. It was especially hard talking to Bridgette because she understood why i feel lost. so many parts of myself that aren't there anymore. I find myself praying a lot lately. I miss being able to pray with other people. I finished my cart 45minutes early and I was going sooooooo slow. At least I'm not stuck in the basement doing check in. My shuffle keeps playing all my favorite sad songs. I swear this thing is psychic. :p

I've been singing this song for the past few months. I knew this was coming. And I knew I wasn't happy about it.

Ninety Miles outside Chicago
Can't stop driving
I don't know why
So many questions
Need an answer
Two years later
You're still on my mind

Whatever happen to Amelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain...
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue...
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you...

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
Or what the wind says when she cries?
I'm speeding by the place that I met you
For the 97th time...tonight

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain...
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue...
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you...
(yeah yeah yeah yeah)

Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah...
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon...
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you...

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow,
And watched the stars crash in the sea,
If I could ask God just one question...
Why aren't you here with me?...tonight

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain...
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue...
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you...
(yeah yeah yeah yeah)

Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah...
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon...
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you...

This day never seems to end

I spent most of the morning crying. I shouldn't be writing about this here. Out of respect for the wonderful time we had together. But i hurt so much. I care about him so much. Josh broke up with me this morning. And unless you're him, don't ask me about it. I do hope he finds someone who will make him happy. Someone who will let him have fun and be himself. I've stopped crying though. I'm gonna be ok. Sometimes things just don't work out. They're not right and it's no one's fault. It's not my fault. There's nothing more I could have done. Right? I learned a lot about myself from Josh. I learned a lot about what I need by being with him. It's just hard. I was talking to kate, just yesterday, about what I was planning on giving him for his birthday next month. I had a great plan. But now it would just be weird i guess. He doesn't love me. It's as simple as that. Even though I really was falling in love with him. But real love is mutual. No matter how much i tried I couldn't make him love me like that. There's nothing I could have done. I can be strong. I've always had to be the strong one. And I'll be strong now. I can be happy on my own. I have been for most of my life. Hakuna-matata. I really do wish he'd told me in person.

Yay! It's Friday!

It's really sad that I rarely write anything on this blog that even closely resembles what's really on my mind. Lots of things have been spinning in my head this week. Lots of worry about what spinning in a few other people's heads. Anywho, this song came on today while I was putting away macro-shift books and it's just so pretty. Enjoy!

You must remember this
A kiss is still a kiss
A sigh is still (just) a sigh
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by

And when two lovers woo
They still say: "i love you"
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by

Moonlight and love songs - never out of date
Hearts full of passion - jealousy and hate
Woman needs man - and man must have his mate
That no one can deny

It’s still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by

blah blah blah blah blah

I didn't go to work today because I had such a bad stomach ache this morning... It went away about midday but I was still sort of physically tired. You know, every one of my limbs just wanted to lie down. I did manage to go to the financial aid office. Lets just say it was an educational experience! lol. My stomach ache came back this evening though and all I wanted to do was watch pride and prejudice, only to find that mine was scratched somehow and will no longer play! lkasjdfl;akjsdflaksdjf. So an hour later when Kate got home I got her to accompany me on a trip to hollywood video to rent the movie i wanted to watch! lol. I'm such a boring person. All I really want to do is run out and dance in a thunderstorm. A real thunderstorm. Please god, let it rain A LOT while I'm home. I'll just have to try my hardest not to drag the dogs with me on one of my excursions into the inclement weather. Yes, but I think i'm in a rut. I want to run in a field. Why the hell do i feel so darn tired ? I hate being sick. I really hate being sick when no one is home. I want some of my dad's soup. I wish I knew how to make soup. The real kind with lots of vegitable and NO LENTILS. vale.

I'm reading dune. It's weird. Monday will mark a day, and I don't know how i feel about this. Time seems to go by so very fast...

: (

I want someone who will tell me when i'm being a pain in the ass! Why am i watching this movie again?

Thank you Jackie!

Meeting today!! One hour of listening to nancy and free food! And no books! I've been pretty grumpy lately cuz i've been working 9 hour days at the library to make up for some hours i missed last week. I fell asleep last night around 8ish and slept until 7am. It was great! My acting class is going well (in response to Jackie's question in the awesome e-mail she sent me). I'm a shakespeare goddess come to find out! Only three weeks left though which makes me sad... Anywho, got to get back to work! Vale!

Ewww!

I have a huge blister. It looks gross today. Maybe I should get a bandaid... I HATE THE LIBRARY!! If you're reading this, send me an e-mail or write a note. I need something to distract me at work. How many more days until Sept. 1st??? I'm so tired.

La dee Da!

It's sooooooooo hot out again. I'm doing the pick-up and the air isn't on in the stacks. Blah! It was so nice to see Josh last night. He liked his suprise at least the first part (lemon pepper from the spice store and a manly measuring cup with no handle). lol. I think I'm going to go to the gym after work today because I never want to work out at home when it's so hot out. Ttyl.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It's soooooooooooo darn hot outside!! And it's soooooooooooo darn hot in the stacks where I've been shifting all afternoon with rachael. I think this heat is making me very irritable. I got some books on world religions today. Oh, I also got gone with the wind since I've never managed to get around to see the movie. The book's probably better anyway. Anywho, I'm tired. Ran hard today during my lunch break. I hate coming back from the gym because people always look at me with concern because they all think I'm dying. I just turn abnormally red people!! What the hell?! Stop looking at me like that! Blah! SOrry, I'm irritable. That's my excuse! Damn heat! I didn't sleep very well last night because of it. Whatever, almost time to go home! Vale!