You have to decide that you're ready and just do it. You have to know you're good enough, and simply be good enough. it's not faith. you know. when you're ready. when you're done learning you know. i am powerful. i am the antithesis of powerless. i am beautiful. i am funny. i desire to share all of my soul with the world. every flaw. every perfection. magic.

I'm still here.

It's moments like right now that remind me why I love keeping a journal. Not only do you get to harness your energy into an object, you can share that with others, and read it yourself and watch yourself change. I just got done reading through a bunch of my old blog entries (luckily I can see the ones I published and didn't publish;). What spurred on this sudden interest? I talked to Josh. It's the first time I've heard his voice since we broke up, and it sounded like the voice of a stranger. I mean it's been about a year so obviously we're not on familiar terms anymore, but I didn't expect him to sound like a stranger. So I went back and started to read the things I used to write about him, and how we used to interact. I think we always were strangers, and somehow I didn't realize that until now. I want to know what it's like for someone to truly know me, and to know that person in return. I know all too well what it's like to confide everything to someone only to have them never trust me with anything about themselves. I mean I ask for it. I tell everyone everything and it's ridiculous to expect everyone to do the same in return. But it would be nice to know 1 person who would tell me everything, so I wouldn't have to feel so alone when I tell them everything.

I also noticed something else that I have been ignoring for some time. Can you hazard a guess as to how often I talk about singing in this blog? About a song I've been singing, or how i miss singing to my dogs, or how I related everything I was feeling about breaking up with Josh to the songs I was inspired to sing in that particular moment... when it was time to get ready for fall auditions all I thought or cared about was finding the perfect songs for the musical auditions. I love to sing. It's nothing to hide or be embarrassed about. I love to sing, and it seems so very silly for me to have to read about it to realize it. This present sickness is killing me because I can't sing! I can't sleep most of the time because there's a song stuck in my head!! I love to sing. That's all.

I just finished the last Harry Potter book... I only cried in the middle. Somehow, I feel like an adult now. It's weird because when I started reading harry potter, the most current book (book 3) made Harry the same age as me, and now that he's finally an adult I somehow feel more like one too. I predicted most of the book, which was sad. However, it was fun seeing how all the details worked out. I don't like that so many people seemed to just die needlessly. And there were some silly plot twists that were overly complicated. But it's over now.

I remember when I was reading the books for the first time. I was so lonely because I'd just had to change schools for the millionth time, and my mother didn't seem to know that I existed, and I was surrounded by kids who didn't understand me because I was so smart and silly. I just wanted to be special. I wanted to wake up one day and have someone tell me I had a destiny. And i got to live that horrible dream through these books. But now it's over. I'm no longer the kid who spent all of her time dreaming, reading, and talking to trees. I'm no longer a kid. Now I have my own destiny. And now I'm crying again I don't even know why.

I did a bad, bad thing.

I just bought a time-turner for my hermione costume. I mean, it's the last book! I have to go all out this year. A cape and a hat just aren't enough?!?! Everyone always thinks i'm dressed up as hermione every year, so this year i just embraced it! And the third book is my favorite. So, I'm dressing up as hermione from the third book.

The picture for my inspiration is:

I have bought the sweater at Alivan's:

I got the tie & wand from warner bro's:

And now I have bought the time turner from the Noble Collection People:

The sad part was I didn't even have to shop around for everything, because I already knew exactly what websites to go to. And I can use my costume for the next two movies. And of course for whatever blow-out i go to for the last book!! I'm soooooooooo excited. ANd such a geek!!! :p Good think my new job pays well ;)

Back

Yeah, so I've been feeling kinda disconnected which is probably why I haven't been writing. But I feel like I'm waking up. School's almost out. I have my whole summer planned. I'm doing a 5 week improv intensive @ iO. I'm also going home for my dad's birthday and to meet up with old drama friends to watch Jason's show. I really need to get out and do a professional audition. Too bad I've been sick as hell. Allergies went nuts this year. Worst yet. I haven't been able to really talk in probably months, which has also contributed to the grouchyness. Anywho, I have 2 papers to write this coming week and then I'm free. Oh, and I also need to write A LOT in my shakespeare journal. Maybe I'll go and work on that today. Yeah, I'm gonna go do that.

p.s. I went to post a new song and the song i am currently listening to is the same song that's already posted :p

I hate the world.

I'm sick and I can't hardly talk and no one is around :(

The Last Five Years always seems to be the perfect music for when you're sad. It's late and I'm listening to "Nobody Needs to Know." I'm tired of talking.

"Look at us, lying here
Dreaming, pretending"

Oh yeah!

I did not go to civ. class more than a handful of times this quarter and got a freakin' A- when 30% of the grade is participation. I got a B+ in Alexander the great which i actually went to but usually slept through cuz it turned out to be boring beyond belief. Still waiting on evol. mind/morality but I don't have high hopes for that one. My last paper just didn't want to come together. We'll see.

I got a job!

At the Bubba Gump shrimp restaurant at Navy Pier! I also got a job at the BiBop cafe at navy pier, but I'm not gonna take that one. They don't do the volume and their plate is much cheaper. I have orientation tomorrow! NO MORE LIBRARY!!!!!!!

Guess what world? I got waitlisted by DePaul! They only accept 10 students, and I got waitlisted! Next year I'm gonna rock their socks!!!

I woke up today!

Civ. today was actually rather interesting. We were discussing Roman persecution of various religious sects. I think I might write my paper about it. I especially liked the Roman description of christians. Basically they called them cannables (that even ate babies!) and said that they practiced a lot of incest (more than likely because christians called each other brother and sister). It was fun. Then I worked at the library all day. In the afternoon I did some sweeps (you know wondering around looking for book just left around in the stacks) and I was dancing harder than I have in quite a while to all the non-dancing sorts of songs on my shuffle. :p Then home, dinner, watched Rent with some people in the lounge, spent too much time online, then Jon and I watched some Gargoyles ( i just downloaded it ;), and then jon, kate, and I talked for a few hours about random stuff. So now it's late and I should go to bed. But I haven't actually written anything for a while so I thought I change it up a bit. Anywho, vale!

Ok, I have to pass this along

Kate sent me this link. It's amazing sometimes!

http://www.overheardinchicago.blogspot.com/

Blah on Kate for getting me hooked on this show!

Izzy Stevens

53% confidence, 82% compassion, 62% dedication

Isobel Stevens is anything but a dumb blonde. In fact, she’s a very intelligent, determined woman. Her strongest point is probably being able to comfort her patients. However, her compassion can sometimes be her weakness. She also isn’t the most confident of the interns. But, she’s definitely the hottest. ;)

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

	You scored higher than 25% on confidence
	You scored higher than 84% on compassion
	You scored higher than 24% on dedication

The Which Grey's Anatomy Intern RU Test

How on earth did they manage to guess my favorite type of chocolate?!?!?!?!

Razabelle

You scored 62% Dark, 77% Crunch, and 65% Chewy!

You are a razabelle, from Godiva's Platinum Collection: Refreshing raspberry layered over sweet vanilla caramel and decked in dark chocolate.


What a great mix of fun, creativity, and sweetness you are...with just enough tang to always keep things interesting. There's never a dull moment with you around, you are truly full to the brim with new ideas (the more outrageous, the better!) There's not much you shy away from, plus, you're usually careful to take others into consideration and not step on anyone's toes. One of the coolest in the box.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:


You scored higher than 77% on Dark

You scored higher than 95% on Crunchy

You scored higher than 48% on Chewy

Link: The Box of Chocolates Test written by weerediii on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Guilty Pleasure

Jackie you should especially check out this website:

http://www.cuteoverload.com/

Go me! Go me! It's almost my Birthday!!!

Yay!! Music is back!!! Enjoy!

Wahoo!

Ok!! So I got an A- on my Civ. paper, B+ on my super crappy Alexander the Great paper, Dan Stearns is letting me take his Shakespeare in Performance class, I just sent off my application for the 500 Clown class, and Jackie might be coming to visit the weekend after I turn in my final papers!?!?!?! Hootey-Hoo!!

Fun new band

Listen to some stuff here:
http://myspace.com/nousnonplus

You can get the lyrics in english here:
http://www.nousnonplus.com/nnp_lyrics1.html

I especially liked the lawnmower song. So silly!

Vale!

"And I can't sleep. I need to tell you... Goodnight."

Bah on the world. I have class at 9am and I am so not tired. I tried to go to sleep and it totally failed. So now I'm gonna read mamet's True and False: Heresy and Common Sense for the Actor. We'll see how it goes. Vale!

Change of Plans

I think I am going to stay at UofC for my final year and not graduate early. My BA is a mess and there are a bunch of acting classes being offered next quarter and next year here at UofC that I would like to take. So I went and talked to David Spatz who didn't want me to just forget about my BA and goof off, but said it would be fine for me to do. I just have to talk to my advisor and preceptor. Yeah, so I think I'm gonna do it. I am meeting with my BA and academic advisors tomorrow and working it all out. Hopefully, it all goes well!! Only sad thing to note: I can't pre-register cuz i forgot to meet with my advisor. I'm such a space case sometimes. Thank God auditions are OVER!!!! Vale!

"Nobody needs to know"

How many times can I listen to this song? Why is this the song? Right now I find myself in need of a little morale. I did my last audition this past weekend. It went very well, but they only take five girls, so there's not much hope really. But I have plans set in place for next year. Patience and hard work. I can do this.

The Best Valentine's Day Ever

Jon, my oh so awesome valentine, gave me the nicest card. It said: "Roses are red, Violets are blue, but not even lime green egyptian theatres are as groovy as a chic like you!" He also gave me raspberry Lindt chocolate and godiva raspberry ice cream!!! I wanted to get Jon some manly stuff for valentine's day, so I gave him 2 cards (one tacky one that played music ;), a KING sized snickers, and a manual can opener (I mean what's more manly than a manual can opener???) :p

Memories

So I'm watching eternal sunshine for the millionth time, and all of a sudden i started thinking about where I would hide memories, and you know just random childhood memories. It's dumb the stuff we remember. So here are a few of mine:

~Running all over the house with lame excuses like i need to clean my stuff in the kitchen, so i wouldn't have to keep watching Jurrasick Park, but invariably I'd come back, freak out, and make another lame excuse to leave.

~Sitting on a stool in the kitchen as my mom cut my hair short for the one and only time i had my hair cut short.

~Playing in my mom's room at her dresser with the big mirror. One time I kept brushing my bangs to the side to make them look like Ariel's from the little mermaid.

~All my barbies, my barbie comforter, the alladin stickers on the wall.

~Ultimate Hide and Go seek

~Putting on my old purple clothes to go play in a big pile of dirt they just brought in for building a new house.

~The little boy named Eric who lived across the street.

~following a creek to a lake no one knew existed

~getting caught in a storm of bits of dandelions when i was walking in the woods

~jamming to alanis morsett for hours while walking my dogs

~performing skits for my mom on the tile entryway to the house

~the christmas room! our extra living room became a christmas room. Lights everywhere and the little village that my mom made. I remember sitting on the couch in there just enjoying the lights.

~my mom's big closet that was filled with tons of craft stuff. she always had just what you needed.

~falling off the monkey bars and having the wind knocked out of me for the first time. i thought i was dying.

~my too perfect first date/first kiss under the stars at my first homecoming dance

~the huge argument that same night with my mom because everything fell out of my purse during that kiss and i didn't notice. My mom got all pissed that there weren't any pictures and we were screaming and i was crying. My mom decided she wanted those pictures so she took some of me crying in my dress. I don't know what ever happened to them. My mom never remembered to develop film. I remember thinking this was the most "perfect" way to end such a great evening.

~crying in the bathroom to my dad when i finally decided i had to leave

~crying in my dad's arms when i found out my parents were getting a divorce

~my dad hitting me so hard my mom called the police. the next day when all my teachers kept asking my what happened.

~exploring every inch of every neighborhood i ever lived in

~birthday cakes. my mom always made the best birthday cakes. green ones, pink ones, ones with trolls, one shaped like a worm. whatever i wanted. green icing with pink cake.

~spending summers at my dad's and reading all day and all night

~hours spent volunteering in the library

~kick ball

~the fire drill that lasted an entire day cuz they couldn't figure out what had tripped the alarm

i guess that's enough for now.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

I don't get why everyone is so anti-valentine's day. It's like one of the silliest, funnest holidays every. This just goes to show that people take themselves too seriously! I mean it's so cliché to hate Valentine's day! Anywho, I picked Jon to be my Valentine so I would have someone to lavish my affection on, and I've been having waaay to much fun with it. And it's so nice to be done with mid-term papers. Since Saturday I have done the following:

Saturday: 8pg paper on ethics and evolution
Sunday: 7pg paper for Civ. on Roman attitudes on slavery.
Monday: 2pg paper about Male vs. Female long-term/short-term mating strategies
Tuesday: 5pg paper refuting the relevance of the entire topic for my Alexander the Great class
Wednesday: 7.3pgs of introductory material for my BA

Total: 29.3pgs in 5 days, including all the research for each paper. A Personal Record!

Anywho, yup. I'm glad to be done writing!?!!!

Thank God it's Valentine's Day!

One Down, Six to Go!

So I did the Illinois Theatre Association open call audition yesterday, which was crazy. I only had two minutes, and neither of my monologues really worked in that format... Anywho, I got in there, told them my name, and they started the timer!!! Normally the timer starts when you start you actual pieces so you can take a moment to breathe and then start, but no such luck with these people. I led out with my smaller, emotional, personal piece cuz that's the one that usually gets people, but my heart was racing and my whole body started shaking and I couln't center my breath! Bah! So I think I need to lead out with a very active piece, where I can use that energy to propel me forward. So I think I'm gonna start with Violet ;) The cool thing about this audition was I got to watch the other 12 people in my group audition and I can sum up their work in three bullets:

~No one used the space
~No one was really personalized
~No one had a sense of humor!

And violet has all of those things. So, I'm doing it! lol. Let's hope for the best!

In other news: My BA is a disaster!

Vale!

OMG!!!

Harry Potter 7, July 21st. I want to die!!!! ;alskdjf;alskdjf;alskdfja; lsdf I want this weekend to be over already! Vale!

Oh yeah!

I love that I have my music back!!!!! Thank God for music!!! Now! Do it! Music will be returning to my blog in the near future (hopefully). lalalalalalalala! i wish i could sing. Stupid nose!!! Vale!

a;lsdkfja;; I know i'm a looser!!!

Ok, so my Mac is now fixed!!! been working for more than 48 hours!! Moral of the story: Don't drop your computer!!!

OMG! Juilliard audition is on MONDAY!! Yes this monday and I need to write 12 pgs of my BA and an 8pg paper for Evol. Mind Morality!!! Bah on the world. I should just lock myself in a room and do it, but everytime I try and work I end up working on my monolgues. Kurt thinks I'm ready. I'm excited, but freaking out that this is it. Oh, and if they ask me to sing I have no freakin' clue what I'm gonna do. I'm so stuffed up that nothing is working right. That and I'm really not a singer. I'm just going to make it short and the least painless it can be. laksjdf;alksdjfa;. Oh and I spent most of today trying to get oppen office to work on my computer since my word software won't work. Bahahahahahahahaha. Yeah. I'm freaking out. How many times can I sayt that in a day?! I just need to relax, breathe, and kick some ass. I wish monday were here and then i wouldn't have to freak out anymore. That and my papers would be done ;) Yeah, my last evol. mind morality paper went well. Too bad I'm not going to be in class to see if he picks it to read. I was arguing for Camus that the main phylisophical question is whether to commit suicide or not. Normally I wouldn't argue something like that but this SocioBiologist dude Williams was so freakin' annoying I just felt like giving him grief. yeah. So I should go do work and not think about stuff. But stuff is all i can think about alskdjfa;lsdkfja;lsdkfj. I'm ready, I'm awesome, I'm good enough! I'm more than good enough! Their program will be lacking without me!! That's the mentatility. I'm gonna kick some ass. Just make it personal, and beautiful, and breathe!!! Just breathe!! And make big choiceS!!! DIscoveries!!!

Revised Schedule, I'm gonna die on tuesday :(

Monday, February 5th
9:30am Juilliard Audition (Palmer House)

Tuesday, February 6th
8:30am URTA orientation (Palmer House)
9:22am URTA audition (Palmer House)
10:40am ACT audition (Hyatt)
4pm NYU audition (Hyatt)

Thursday, February 8th
11:00am Yale School of Drama audition

Saturday, February 17th
8:00am DePaul Audition

Juilliard is my FIRST audition :(

I've got my audition schedule (one still needs to be changed though)

Monday, February 5th
9:30am Juilliard Audition (Palmer House)

Tuesday, February 6th
8:30am URTA orientation (Palmer House)
9:22am URTA audition (Palmer House)
10:40am ACT audition (Hyatt)
11:00am NYU audition (Hyatt) (I hope I can get this one moved)

Thursday, February 8th
11:00am Yale School of Drama audition

Saturday, February 17th
8:00am DePaul Audition

Back in ACTION!

Sorry for no real posts in what feels like forever. Classes start tomorrow. I of course have a plan. I always have plans. Many of the ones for this quarter are inspired by songs. I spent so much of break just listening to music. You know, all your favorite songs kinda music? The stuff that always speaks to you without fail? Anywho, I should go to bed.

"I'm up every morning at six
And standing in line
With two hundred girls
Who are younger and thinner than me
Who have already been to the gym
I'm waiting five hours in line
And watching the girls
Just coming and going
In dresses that look just like this
Till my number is finally called."
-The Last Five Years, "Climbing Uphill"