I like to think that I haven't changed because if I haven't changed then I'm still in control. I can't recall very many, if any, concious changes and so they must have happened despite myself, without my permission. Not that I think it's bad that I have changed. In fact I look at the person I am now and the person I once was and it makes me smile and want to cry, all at the same time. Today we were playing a bunch of improv games in rehearsal and I realised that I was never able to do that before. I've also come to realise that I don't do things just because I'm supposed to anymore. I used to work hard in school because that's what I was supposed to do. No my parents never pressured me and no they never explicitly said this is what we want but I think deep down I did it to make their lives easier and to make them proud of me. And I accomplished both of these goals. But now I'm in college and for the first time I'm spending the time to really think about why I do things like theatre, school work, etc. Things that were once just a give in. I'm sad though because there's so much going on that I've lost something of myself. The part of me that could just sit and stare at a bunch of swishing trees for hours, totally enraptured by the world that I found myself in. Now when I walk I'm mostly bouncing around or dancing to my music. It's not a bad thing it's just different. Sometimes I remember. At odd moments I remember. I feel really happy here and I really don't feel like I deserve it. If only I could stay in school forever. Good night.