4th Time's the Charm!

I did it! I'm officially registered to vote!! I have a card and everything!! Wahoo!

I'm sorry. No more anonymous notes.

Me singing at work

Update to First Song

No one's here. I sit alone,
At the dawn of a new journey.
Dancing around a truth
That I don't wanna see.
You don't love me.
You don't even desire me.

I was so scared to let you in—
Terrified you might penetrate my walls
Later, I feared the empty space
That’d remain if you left...
when you left.

We never were quite right,
"Us" was always draining,
And now we're both tired of pretending.

I thought I was ready to jump!
But I had to meet a boy,
A man more lost than me.

The world spins around us...
kites fly, shoes fly, dreams fly
and finally you fly...away,
far away from me.

And now I miss the closeness.
I miss your bright green eyes.
I wish we could have made us work.
I wish you, had told me, goodbye.

It has a tune now. It's a sad song, but I like it, and it feels good to sing it.

Why is it...

that I only listen to soft sad songs in the middle of the night after I've had a really great day? It's almost as if I can't let myself just enjoy something... No that's not it. I think I just get comfortable from having a nice time that things softly come out. And tonight I keep remembering happy times that I miss. People that I miss a lot. That sort of thing. Life has been beyond crazy lately. So much to do... I've been writing to-do lists. here's my current one:

~get readings for phil. of history
~get funny greek words for pronunciation (bring recorder)
~read La Bête
~Get list of plays to look at for Rachael
~Write paper for P.H.
~Make Proposal for monologue show

So much to do

Yeah, acting class today was crazy! I'm doing this scene that you just can't tell if you're doing well or not. Bah! I just don't know if I'm doing ok or not. Everyone else's scene was amazing! So I just felt kinda inferior. Whatever. Anywho, paper to write tomorrow. So I should go to sleep so I can get an early start at it. I have no idea what the hell I'm going to write. Yup, fun stuff. There was this one part of my scene that was just so hard. She looked at me with these puppy dog eyes, and I don't know why but it reminded me of my sister and I just couldn't handle it. Kurt called me on it and told me I had to go there and made me do the section again. And I did. And it hurt. I hope it was worth it. Vale.

Here's the song version

I want to squash this dream of us:
Only A few years from now
When you finally get your shit together,
We find each other once again…

Stop… I should stop.
This waking dream keeps me from sleeping.
It knows my flaws, my fears, my yearnings,
And how to taunt me with such visions
That I just can’t stop reviewing.

I don’t want you anymore!
I see something else I want…
Yes there is Someone else I want,
A real human who can be here.

But the delusion holds me back;
It prevents me from breathing, and from leaving;
The longing holds me captive.
And I can’t find it, I can’t destroy it…

Just let go, that’s all that’s left…
Forget the hopes, the dreams, the sighs…
Just move and make something better.
Let go. Yes, now it’s time.

I'm pretty sure the second verse is the chorus.

I can't sleep.

I asked Josh to not talk to me for a "while" tonight. I've wanted to do it for a while... It just hurts to talk to him and I don't know why. I know it's over. He know's it's over. I've accepted it. But i still care about him and miss being with him. I think talking to him just sort of emphasizes that I can't do that anymore and it hurts. I've been listening to this song of Amy Lee's on repeat since i downloaded it earlier. It's so beautiful, and there are hopes, dreams, amazement... So, I wrote her that letter. I don't think she's going to get it, but you never know. But asking Josh to not talk to me was something I had to do for myself. You have to be able to be your own best friend sometimes and look out for yourself. If it hurts, then make it stop. I hope Josh and I can be friends some day. But it's going to take a long time for me I think. Enough of that. Let me tell you about my day!

Lets see... I went to a meeting with Nancy this morning to talk about customer service and bookstacks. It was fun... Then I did some shifting. Then I went to the housing office to get put in the general lottery. Afterwards, I went to the fin. aid office only to find out they still haven't fixed my fin. aid. Bah! But, I'm applying for my loan, cuz I don't want to wait anymore. Then i got lunch and went downtown to rehearse for scene study class. It wasn't a very constructive rehearsal though... Then I met Michael for dinner. I really love talking to him. He's an amazing listener (I could probably learn a thing or two from him). Then we went and got tea because i can't go downtown without going to Argo Tea. Then I found out Michael had never been to Ghiradelli's even though he lives downtown!! So we went and got our free sample chocolate and I bought some hot chocolate. We stopped in Borders so I could go to the bathroom, and of course I ended up leaving with a book! It's Racine's version of Phaedra in french. Should be a fun read! Then we went to the Hershey's store and then Michael walked me to the bus stop so I could get home and do some hw. Instead, I come home and print out my reading and start downloading music and fall in love with this song (which i am still listening to). Then I talked to Josh for a while and we all know how that ended. I don't want to do reading, and I don't want to sleep. I don't know what I want sometimes.

A Letter

Dear Amy Lee,

I listened to a song of yours tonight that meant a lot to me. I sort of came across is when I was downloading some stuff (I’m sorry, I’m a poor, in debt college student, and I know that's not excuse... So please forgive me.) But I'd like to tell you what this song meant to me. I'm really smart; I go to one of the most rigorous universities in the country. I'm here because I felt obligated to pursue an academic career because otherwise I'd be wasting this gift and opportunity I've been given. But I've been talking myself out of doing what I really love for most of my life because I thought it was impractical. Smart girls don't pursue theatre! They know it's hard, and know that they would have so many other, very worth while, oppertunities that they could pursue with and undergraduate or higher degree. But I want to create art that touches people, even if that means making myself vulnerable and sharing the most wonderful, painful, and scary moments of my life. And your song seemed to encapsulate all the qualities that I hope my own art will one day exude. This song was so honest, clumsily honest at times... It was beautiful and you made yourself so vulnerable. When I went to look up the lyrics to the song I found reports that stated you didn't want people listening to/reading the lyrics of this song, and if that's true I'm very sorry. But your song "You" really inspired and changed my life tonight, and for that I would most sincerely like to thank you.

~Janice

BTW

Life has been soooooo very crazy of late! I'm actually using my planner, every day! It's insane! But good! I wrote 2 papers on monday while crazy sick and i don't think they totally sucked... Anywho, scene study class is going well. Ramsay and I seem to be on the right tract with our scene I just need to vary my actions more. The problem is I get so into it that I forget to do stuff... I need to slow down. My first real rehearsal for Phaedra is tonight and I'm totally not ready! I haven't done any of my prep. I really need to finish reading the play. I find the monologues to be a bit long though so I sorta skimmed it and missed ALL the important stuff. So this time, real reading. Oh, and today I was a total idiot. I left my keys in Stony, therefore, I had to miss my Arab/Isreali class so I could go home and work that out. But I'm here now and life is good! So much work to do! Oh and I'm meeting with Evelyn this friday to talk about my proposal for next quarter. I'm rethinking it now. i think i want music for the transitions, just to bring me from one place to another. So maybe I need to find a collaborator for this project. I'll just have to sniff around. Stage manager/muse/music person! That's what I need. Cuz I don't want a director. I just need someone to yell at me when I'm not bringing it! Yup! Anywho, it should be good. I definetly want to do a preview on UT day! Me and a cube. THat's what it's going to be! Well, got to get to work! Vale!

The coolest thing a prof. ever said to me!

Dear Ms Rumschlag,

Just a note to say I thought you did a very good job yesterday in your presentation. You challenged Collingwood's objection with just the right stuff.

Bob Richards

Holy shit!!! I'm going to be Phaedra, in Seneca's Phaedra!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

I can't concentrate on my reading... I have so much to do and I just can't concentrate. My off-off audition was awful. My partner was amazing and I just didn't know how to respond to that. I mean I don't know. I just didn't have any stage presence... I used to have that in spades. In fact, it's the only thing i could count on. I hate this. I hate who I am lately. I have all these doubts and just don't know what to do. I want to be in a show but i'm dying with all the work i have to do. I'm already freaking out with all the work. And I want to add to that?! There's this part of me that just wants to say "Fuck you stupid UofC! I don't even want to be here anymore. All i want to do is freaking act and I can't even do that?! What the hell?" I'm listening to the Last Five years again. I only do that when I'm freaking out. I just need to get into something so I know I'm not a total idiot for choosing this profession. I'm doing this because I love it! Because when I'm not involved in a production a part of me wants to die. And, that's how I feel right now... Like, a part of me wants to just curl up and die. I know that I'm in this scene study class etc, and that's a way bigger deal. But there's no audience. There's classmates who are judging you. there are no lights. The energy from the audience is completely different. This is what I want and I just blew it again and I don't know why... I know i shouldn't worry, I mean improv is a completely different monster. But, I wanted this. I wanted it a lot. But I need to get used to rejection. that's all i'm going to get as an actor. So, I guess that's all this is. A test to see if I can handly a lot of rejection. I just want to be in a show that rapes me sideways... something that gets under my skin and challenges me to the point I don't think I can handle it. That's what I want. And, well, I thought improv could be that kind of challenge. Oh well. Keep moving. I just need a little momentum.

It's been a really tough week! So what if I'm being a little negative??? I don't have to be happy all the time ;) Scene study class today was great!! I have to be able to taste it!!! Mwahahahaha!!! Yeah, next week I have to present my scene I've been working on AND i have to have my lines memorized by thursday!! Fun times! Anywho, I have a tone of philosophy of history reading to do! Ttyl.

So I decided not to do the rock opera. I want to get my monologue show together and that's going to take up all/most of my time. And I'm gonna audition for off off campus and occam's razor i think. Improv i think would help me get used to working on my feet. So i'm sitting around not doing work. I'm such a slacker. Oh well...