Tonight's Rehearsal

So, I'm in the process of winding down and going to sleep but I really want to write this down. So Jeremy asked us tonight to walk across the room as slowly as possible. And while we were doing this we were supposed to think about our past. And so I began walking. Feelling the floor touch every inch of the bottom of my foot. And I started to think. And there were just flashes of moments. Times when I was upset, feeling like the world was crashing in on me when I was living with my mom. Trying to imagine that being worse like I know it must be for my sister right now. Then I started to think about moments where I felt safe and content. I remember laying on my bed in the winter with the heater on. It was warm and snuggly and I was reading harry potter. Back in the day when I could spend all my time reading. Then i remembered sitting out in front of Campbell waiting for mom to pick me up. I remember sitting there and listening. And I was just amazed and mistified by the trees across the street. the wind blowing through those trees was louder than traffic. But no one noticed. I remember standing at the bus stop in the morning and being completely taken away by a flock of birds. I remember sitting in my room by the window when a sudden breeze hit me at just the moment when I was feeling sad. And I thought about how they say you have a flashback of your life when you died. And I thought about all the moments I would want to relive if I were going to die at that moment. They were mostly pictures. Mostly walks, or a breeze. Mind while I was doing all this i did a sumersault like Jeremy asked us to. Then i turned around to go back across the room. I went so slow. It was really hard and I'd mess up but i'd fix it slowly. Anyways, so i was thinking about happy moments and most of them were times when i stopped. Times when i stopped and let myself breathe. And i remember when i was younger this was second nature. All I did most of the time was breathe slowly and listen and take things in. the people around me, how they were feeling, sensing the world around me without my eyes. And so slowly I tried to bring it back. The way I once experienced everything. And so I took a few very deep breaths and listened with my body. Feeling the energy of the people around me. And I was just overwhelmed. I could barely breathe and I wanted to stop and cry and make it stop. But i just kept on trying to breathe very slowly and let go. Let everything go. And it was then that i realized that I was inches away from the rest of the people in the room. I just knew it. And I knew it was time to stop. To let go. ANd I slowly went down to the ground and curled up. Then slowly rolled over and let go. And I got to breathe. It was wonderful.