This song just came on the radio

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldnt even sleep
So many secrets I couldnt keep
I promised myself I wouldnt weep
One more promise I couldnt keep

It seems no one can help me now,
Im in too deep; theres no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow Im neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Lifes mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried,
Day and night, earth and sky,
Somehow I just dont believe it

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow Im neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
Its just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow Im neither here nor there

Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same

I haven't been eating right...

The smell of any kind of cooked food has been doing a number on me these past few days. I was really sad yesterday morning. It was hard to concentrate and practice my monologues. Then I had my meeting with my acting teacher at eleven and we talked for a while. He said he thinks i'm in the right profession, I just need to figure out how to get myself to bring it, on command. Expand my bubble so to speak. But he wants me to take his master's scene study class! I can't believe it. Becuase I was going to ask him if he'd let me in his level two begining class! Instead, he offered me a spot in a master's class! Yesterday reminded me why I do theatre. I don't do it just to move people, force them to see some sort of truth, I also do it because it really lets me get things out in a positive way. I had a hard time doing the lovey dovey part of my Viola monologue (12th night). It was just really hard.

Why what would I?
Make me a willow cabin at your gate
And call upon my soul within the house.
Write loyal cantons of condemned love
And sing them loud even in the dead of night.
Hallow your name to the reverberate hills
And make the babbling gossip of the air
Cry out, "Olivia"

It just came out sorta angry in class. So I came home and rachael and brian and I went out to dinner to celebrate me getting into this advanced class. We went to Uno and got some really great pizza. I was starving because I hadn't really eaten anything in 2 days, so of course I over did it. And today the sight of food disgusts me again. Bah. Whatever.

I was online last night talking to a bunch of friends in GA. It was especially hard talking to Bridgette because she understood why i feel lost. so many parts of myself that aren't there anymore. I find myself praying a lot lately. I miss being able to pray with other people. I finished my cart 45minutes early and I was going sooooooo slow. At least I'm not stuck in the basement doing check in. My shuffle keeps playing all my favorite sad songs. I swear this thing is psychic. :p

I've been singing this song for the past few months. I knew this was coming. And I knew I wasn't happy about it.

Ninety Miles outside Chicago
Can't stop driving
I don't know why
So many questions
Need an answer
Two years later
You're still on my mind

Whatever happen to Amelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain...
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue...
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you...

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
Or what the wind says when she cries?
I'm speeding by the place that I met you
For the 97th time...tonight

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain...
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue...
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you...
(yeah yeah yeah yeah)

Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah...
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon...
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you...

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow,
And watched the stars crash in the sea,
If I could ask God just one question...
Why aren't you here with me?...tonight

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain...
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue...
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you...
(yeah yeah yeah yeah)

Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah...
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon...
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you...

This day never seems to end

I spent most of the morning crying. I shouldn't be writing about this here. Out of respect for the wonderful time we had together. But i hurt so much. I care about him so much. Josh broke up with me this morning. And unless you're him, don't ask me about it. I do hope he finds someone who will make him happy. Someone who will let him have fun and be himself. I've stopped crying though. I'm gonna be ok. Sometimes things just don't work out. They're not right and it's no one's fault. It's not my fault. There's nothing more I could have done. Right? I learned a lot about myself from Josh. I learned a lot about what I need by being with him. It's just hard. I was talking to kate, just yesterday, about what I was planning on giving him for his birthday next month. I had a great plan. But now it would just be weird i guess. He doesn't love me. It's as simple as that. Even though I really was falling in love with him. But real love is mutual. No matter how much i tried I couldn't make him love me like that. There's nothing I could have done. I can be strong. I've always had to be the strong one. And I'll be strong now. I can be happy on my own. I have been for most of my life. Hakuna-matata. I really do wish he'd told me in person.

Yay! It's Friday!

It's really sad that I rarely write anything on this blog that even closely resembles what's really on my mind. Lots of things have been spinning in my head this week. Lots of worry about what spinning in a few other people's heads. Anywho, this song came on today while I was putting away macro-shift books and it's just so pretty. Enjoy!

You must remember this
A kiss is still a kiss
A sigh is still (just) a sigh
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by

And when two lovers woo
They still say: "i love you"
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by

Moonlight and love songs - never out of date
Hearts full of passion - jealousy and hate
Woman needs man - and man must have his mate
That no one can deny

It’s still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by

blah blah blah blah blah

I didn't go to work today because I had such a bad stomach ache this morning... It went away about midday but I was still sort of physically tired. You know, every one of my limbs just wanted to lie down. I did manage to go to the financial aid office. Lets just say it was an educational experience! lol. My stomach ache came back this evening though and all I wanted to do was watch pride and prejudice, only to find that mine was scratched somehow and will no longer play! lkasjdfl;akjsdflaksdjf. So an hour later when Kate got home I got her to accompany me on a trip to hollywood video to rent the movie i wanted to watch! lol. I'm such a boring person. All I really want to do is run out and dance in a thunderstorm. A real thunderstorm. Please god, let it rain A LOT while I'm home. I'll just have to try my hardest not to drag the dogs with me on one of my excursions into the inclement weather. Yes, but I think i'm in a rut. I want to run in a field. Why the hell do i feel so darn tired ? I hate being sick. I really hate being sick when no one is home. I want some of my dad's soup. I wish I knew how to make soup. The real kind with lots of vegitable and NO LENTILS. vale.

I'm reading dune. It's weird. Monday will mark a day, and I don't know how i feel about this. Time seems to go by so very fast...

: (

I want someone who will tell me when i'm being a pain in the ass! Why am i watching this movie again?

Thank you Jackie!

Meeting today!! One hour of listening to nancy and free food! And no books! I've been pretty grumpy lately cuz i've been working 9 hour days at the library to make up for some hours i missed last week. I fell asleep last night around 8ish and slept until 7am. It was great! My acting class is going well (in response to Jackie's question in the awesome e-mail she sent me). I'm a shakespeare goddess come to find out! Only three weeks left though which makes me sad... Anywho, got to get back to work! Vale!

Ewww!

I have a huge blister. It looks gross today. Maybe I should get a bandaid... I HATE THE LIBRARY!! If you're reading this, send me an e-mail or write a note. I need something to distract me at work. How many more days until Sept. 1st??? I'm so tired.

La dee Da!

It's sooooooooo hot out again. I'm doing the pick-up and the air isn't on in the stacks. Blah! It was so nice to see Josh last night. He liked his suprise at least the first part (lemon pepper from the spice store and a manly measuring cup with no handle). lol. I think I'm going to go to the gym after work today because I never want to work out at home when it's so hot out. Ttyl.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It's soooooooooooo darn hot outside!! And it's soooooooooooo darn hot in the stacks where I've been shifting all afternoon with rachael. I think this heat is making me very irritable. I got some books on world religions today. Oh, I also got gone with the wind since I've never managed to get around to see the movie. The book's probably better anyway. Anywho, I'm tired. Ran hard today during my lunch break. I hate coming back from the gym because people always look at me with concern because they all think I'm dying. I just turn abnormally red people!! What the hell?! Stop looking at me like that! Blah! SOrry, I'm irritable. That's my excuse! Damn heat! I didn't sleep very well last night because of it. Whatever, almost time to go home! Vale!

It is begun

Signed Air Force papers today. Now they have to be sent off and some people decide how they want me to pay them back.

this one is good too!

BELLOWING AT THE BASE
Jackson Junge

La dee da!

Yup, I keep eating these mango altoids. Rachael and i went and got chinese food for dinner and it was SOOOOO much food!!! There was like an entire chicken in the thing and only a little thing of rice! So I'm gonna be eatin' chinese food for a while. I got General Tao's Chicken BTW! Rachael and I did our special third floor project today. We found all the crowded areas and stuff for grace. Now rachael is being really silly; she just swollowed a mango altoid par accident! So the paintings below were done by Jackson Junge; I saw his art on display at an art festival downtown this past weekend. Check out his stuff @: http://www.toulooz.com/index.php.

I've eaten almost a whole thing of these today...

Wow

PRE•PRAYER
By Jackson Junge

Amazing

WINTER WONDER*FUL OF QUIET
By Jackson Junge

dude

i'm at work doing nothing

4th of Julyy

We went and saw fireworks @ navy pier which was cool but they were pretty small. Yup, so after we decided to go to ghiradellis to get ice cream; so we were going really fast to get there before they closed!!! But we lost Rachael!! And I was screaming "Rachael Medina!! Five Minutes!!" (I'd recenly been yelling 5 minutes like the boat guy who was saying five minutes till the next boat.) (Oh and the dork didn't have her cell phone!! And people kept looking at me crazy like I was being loud!!! Well we were outside!! And we had to find her!!!) Anywho, we find her and we get to the ice cream shop literally just as they close!!! So we went to walgreens and got ice cream instead (waaaaay cheeper!) and walked down a block just across the street from the disney store and layed out our blanket and ate the ice cream! All of a sudden i started singing "you may be right! I may be crazy! But i just may be the lunatic you're looking for!!" And of course I had to call josh and sing it to his phone. Unfortunetly, I wasn't really sure about the melody of the song exactly. Granted this song was nothing to the Ode i wrote early to the forlorn buses but it was still fun! Then we came home. Lots of fun was had by all and the peasants cheered!! Josh comes home soon!! J'espere!! Haven't heard a word from him since he left for Alaska...