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You have to decide that you're ready and just do it. You have to know you're good enough, and simply be good enough. it's not faith. you know. when you're ready. when you're done learning you know. i am powerful. i am the antithesis of powerless. i am beautiful. i am funny. i desire to share all of my soul with the world. every flaw. every perfection. magic.

I'm still here.

It's moments like right now that remind me why I love keeping a journal. Not only do you get to harness your energy into an object, you can share that with others, and read it yourself and watch yourself change. I just got done reading through a bunch of my old blog entries (luckily I can see the ones I published and didn't publish;). What spurred on this sudden interest? I talked to Josh. It's the first time I've heard his voice since we broke up, and it sounded like the voice of a stranger. I mean it's been about a year so obviously we're not on familiar terms anymore, but I didn't expect him to sound like a stranger. So I went back and started to read the things I used to write about him, and how we used to interact. I think we always were strangers, and somehow I didn't realize that until now. I want to know what it's like for someone to truly know me, and to know that person in return. I know all too well what it's like to confide everything to someone only to have them never trust me with anything about themselves. I mean I ask for it. I tell everyone everything and it's ridiculous to expect everyone to do the same in return. But it would be nice to know 1 person who would tell me everything, so I wouldn't have to feel so alone when I tell them everything.

I also noticed something else that I have been ignoring for some time. Can you hazard a guess as to how often I talk about singing in this blog? About a song I've been singing, or how i miss singing to my dogs, or how I related everything I was feeling about breaking up with Josh to the songs I was inspired to sing in that particular moment... when it was time to get ready for fall auditions all I thought or cared about was finding the perfect songs for the musical auditions. I love to sing. It's nothing to hide or be embarrassed about. I love to sing, and it seems so very silly for me to have to read about it to realize it. This present sickness is killing me because I can't sing! I can't sleep most of the time because there's a song stuck in my head!! I love to sing. That's all.

I just finished the last Harry Potter book... I only cried in the middle. Somehow, I feel like an adult now. It's weird because when I started reading harry potter, the most current book (book 3) made Harry the same age as me, and now that he's finally an adult I somehow feel more like one too. I predicted most of the book, which was sad. However, it was fun seeing how all the details worked out. I don't like that so many people seemed to just die needlessly. And there were some silly plot twists that were overly complicated. But it's over now.

I remember when I was reading the books for the first time. I was so lonely because I'd just had to change schools for the millionth time, and my mother didn't seem to know that I existed, and I was surrounded by kids who didn't understand me because I was so smart and silly. I just wanted to be special. I wanted to wake up one day and have someone tell me I had a destiny. And i got to live that horrible dream through these books. But now it's over. I'm no longer the kid who spent all of her time dreaming, reading, and talking to trees. I'm no longer a kid. Now I have my own destiny. And now I'm crying again I don't even know why.

I did a bad, bad thing.

I just bought a time-turner for my hermione costume. I mean, it's the last book! I have to go all out this year. A cape and a hat just aren't enough?!?! Everyone always thinks i'm dressed up as hermione every year, so this year i just embraced it! And the third book is my favorite. So, I'm dressing up as hermione from the third book.

The picture for my inspiration is:

I have bought the sweater at Alivan's:

I got the tie & wand from warner bro's:

And now I have bought the time turner from the Noble Collection People:

The sad part was I didn't even have to shop around for everything, because I already knew exactly what websites to go to. And I can use my costume for the next two movies. And of course for whatever blow-out i go to for the last book!! I'm soooooooooo excited. ANd such a geek!!! :p Good think my new job pays well ;)

Back

Yeah, so I've been feeling kinda disconnected which is probably why I haven't been writing. But I feel like I'm waking up. School's almost out. I have my whole summer planned. I'm doing a 5 week improv intensive @ iO. I'm also going home for my dad's birthday and to meet up with old drama friends to watch Jason's show. I really need to get out and do a professional audition. Too bad I've been sick as hell. Allergies went nuts this year. Worst yet. I haven't been able to really talk in probably months, which has also contributed to the grouchyness. Anywho, I have 2 papers to write this coming week and then I'm free. Oh, and I also need to write A LOT in my shakespeare journal. Maybe I'll go and work on that today. Yeah, I'm gonna go do that.

p.s. I went to post a new song and the song i am currently listening to is the same song that's already posted :p

I hate the world.

I'm sick and I can't hardly talk and no one is around :(